The 5 Best Kept Christian Secrets to the Best Sex Ever: Part 4
Caution: This post consists of a rather frank and forthright discussion of human sexuality in the context of marital intimacy.
The number four important fourth of five best kept Christian sex secret to the BEST SEX EVER is…
Target, Talk, & Time
…is target, talk, and time. As in, take your time and talk about your targets.
Slow down and speak. Relax and reflect. Hold up and holler. Set a leisurely pace and wag your tongue. For you musicians out there, I’m talking adagio or even adagietto, and adagissimo if you can manage it. Of course, allargando is best. Don’t be in such a rush and don’t keep anything a secret. No hurry. Slow, deep, even breaths and speak your mind.
As with the first three secrets, this Christian sex secret is pretty much common sense. Identify and set proper goals for your intended “target”, discuss these goals and “talk” about how to achieve them, and take “time” to reach them together.
Celebrate the differences in the way men and women were created. Men were designed to think of sex as a goal oriented activity. Women were designed to think of sex as a pleasure oriented activity. Problems arise when wives lose site of helping their husband achieve his rightful target or when husbands have the wrong target in mind, or both. The solution to these problems is talking about goals, talking some more, and spending some time.
Speaking of goals and targets, when it comes to defining that particular finish line, consider this: On average, men take 2 minutes and women take 14 minutes to reach climax. While this is statistically accurate, ponder if you will the notion that these times are averages. That means that, for certain individuals, there are some times which are a lot shorter and some which are a lot longer. The point is, you and your spouse must clearly state in plain language what your personal times are so that you can help each other to mutually achieve that goals each and every time you have sex.
The “DUH!” moment comes with the realization that it takes wives longer — and sometimes a lot longer — than husbands. So, every husband must make it his personal mission to help his wife reach her finish line first. The bottom line is that his target is not his own climax, but rather his target should always be his wife’s climax. If every husband sets that goal in mind, he is going to have to appreciate the nuances of delayed personal gratification, and that the process itself is going to take time.
Our culture in general has perpetuated a myth that most men believe to be true today. There are many worldly vectors that perpetuate this myth. They range from some of the more damaging notions radical feminism has fooled society into swallowing, to rampant pornography, to stereotypes and archetypes depicted in advertising and entertainment (or nearly every form of media for that matter).
The myth is this: women are sexually wired almost identically to men. Obviously, that is just a bunch of hogwash. Unfortunately, many, many husbands and wives in our society have bought into that myth.
The myth would have us believe that there is desire followed by initiation/invitation followed by consummation. This is a completely accurate model for male sexuality. Husbands look at their wives and feel desire, then initiate, and the couple consummate. However, this is not a model that describes 98% or more of real flesh and blood women. A more accurate model might be that most women don’t even realize they wanted to have sex until they are actually having sex. The truth is that most women do not feel any triggering desire and will only very, very rarely invite or initiate sex as a result because the desire isn’t strongly present in them as it is in men.
This is not to say that wives do not desire their husbands sexually. Quite the opposite. It is to say that sexual desire manifests in wives in a radically different way than in husbands. In husbands, desire is nearly always a physiological phenomenon where the eyes or the scent or some other physical trigger causes testosterone to increase along with other hormones such as somatotrophin, vasopressin, and adrenaline. This triggers a series of very complicated physical responses that results in the familiar physical unyielding male manifestation of sexual desire. In wives, desire is mainly about emotional well-being, stability, safety, security, trust, and a feeling of being loved. This results in adrenaline and a very small amount of testosterone, but it is only when sexual activity results in fulfillment that women’s bodies release oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone.
For Husbands Only
What a lot of husbands need to come to grips with is that this, and not the myth, is reality. The myth is just plain wrong. The best advice I can give to any husband is to completely ignore the myth. Be a man and initiate for goodness sakes! WHO CARES if your wife doesn’t feel desire in exactly the same way and in exact proportion that you do? Who cares if she doesn’t invite or initiate sex as often as you do? GET OVER IT! Your wife was designed differently than you. Celebrate that difference. Odds are that your wife wants sex with you just as much as you want sex with her, if not more. She just doesn’t want to initiate it.
Gentlemen, the way to get your wife to feel desire and possibly invite or initiate more often is to take your time and romance her. Become the lover to your wife that she dreams of in her heart of hearts. Love her more than even your very own flesh (Ephesians 5:25-31). Demonstrate that sacrificial love by putting your wife at the top of your priority list of priorities in this world. Answer the phone when she calls and put your boss on hold. Remember to pick up the gallon of milk on the way home and, assuming she’s into flowers, maybe buy her a fresh cut flower at the grocery check out. Call her on your morning break and tell her how important she is to you. Take your TIME. If you romance your wife for a few days, you might be surprised how she responds to your sincere and genuine efforts.
Don’t fake it. Women can intuit insincerity 10 miles away. Abide in her and think of ways to glorify her that have more to do with her emotions than her sex. You need to lead her, romance her, talk to her, and take your time.
When you do have sex, and this is MOST important, you had better take your personal mission of making sure your wife reaches climax very seriously. Ask her for hints, helps, tips, and advice and elaborate on the theme, men. Use words like, “Do you like it when, What would/do you like better, Would you like it if?”
After all that, if you still end up initiating sex more often than she does, ask yourself this very question. WHO CARES? If you are feeling insecure about her feelings, her level of desire, or her interest in you sexually, why not ask her about her feelings. Ask her to be very specific. It is very likely that her precise emotional state is numbered among her short list of favorite things in the world to talk about.
Another thing. When a husband romances his wife all day long or all day long for several days, the time it takes her to get where she needs to go will be shortened quite a bit. World renowned Christian marriage counselor and Sr. Pastor of Celebration Church, Mark Gungor, calls this “slow cooking” his wife. When a husband becomes a lover to his wife more than a lover of self (Ephesians 5:25-31), he is well on the way to having the BEST SEX EVER.
For Wives Only
Now, ladies, the way to get your husband to romance you can be as simple as talking to him. If little acts of service ring your bell, how about asking your husband something like, “Husband, I want you to show your affection toward me by unloading the dishwasher every morning before breakfast.” If you need him to offer you little gifts or tokens, put that need on his radar by using the tool of language. “Husband,” you might say, “I like fresh cut flowers. I would like you to bring home fresh cut flowers at least once a week. Maybe on Tuesdays, after picking up little Sam from practice?” If you need tender physical touch, try asking something like, “Husband, I need you to show your affection toward me by giving me a nice back-rub once a week. How do Thursdays work for you?”
Are you seriously thinking you should not have to ask him? You may not have to if your husband is a fortune teller who can read your mind. Do you honestly believe he instinctively knows what you are thinking and feeling at every exact moment that you think and feel it? That isn’t reality. Your husband is flesh and blood. The same advice given to husbands applies to you. Take a deep breath, and ASK him for what you need. SO WHAT you have to ask him? SO WHAT? Really.
Educate your husband. Teach him what makes you feel closer to him emotionally, what you love about him and find romantic when he does these for you. And this is important. Ask him more than once.
What? Ask him more than once, you say all aghast and offended? I shouldn’t have to, you say. Listen to me. He’s a man. He isn’t your girlfriend. You have to.
SO WHAT if you have to? WHO CARES? He is wired differently than you. He has a completely different way of analyzing, assessing, judging, categorizing, thinking, prioritizing, and remembering anything and everything his senses provide than you do. Ask him more than once. Unlike you, he does not attach every single thought or memory to a corresponding emotion. Ask him more than once. It is likely that he takes the responsibilities of providing for his family very seriously and that is his primary focus for which he deserves and expects respect. It is your objective, then, to explain that your emotional well-being in the area of romance is a part of that primary responsibility. But you cannot tell him there is treasure out there without giving him a map. The easiest way to put that on his radar screen is to ask him, specifically for what you need, and ask him more than once.
Then, when it comes to your reaching the finish line sexually, have you ever tried simply asking him to do what you need done? Have you tried asking him more than once? It is very likely that your husband is capable of following simple directions. Use words like, “Softer, harder, faster, slower, more, less, stop, don’t stop, a little to the left/right, and RIGHT THERE!” Tell him what he is doing right now feels really amazing, and ask him to take his time doing that for a while. If what he is doing right now doesn’t feel really amazing, TELL HIM what you would like for him to do that would feel amazing. Speak very plainly and without any hidden meanings. Husbands thrive given positive feedback.
“Oh, I couldn’t do that!” Really? Why not? This is a problem and, specifically, it is the problem of the wife losing sight of helping her husband set the proper target. Talk, Target, Time. If you want his goal to be, as it should be, that you get where you’re going sexually, then you need to act as his helpmate. You must communicate with him about how he can achieve success. If he does not see a possibility of success, he will lose heart and not want to try. Remember that your husband is designed to be goal oriented. Give him lots of achievable goals and then reward success.
By incorporating time and talk, and setting proper targets, you are well on your way to having the BEST SEX EVER.
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