Monday Morning Survey
I’d love it if every single person reading this post will reply. I know I have an incredibly diverse readership, and I’d love to see what people have to say. It will take you less than two minutes to reply. I’m researching public opinion for a post I’m writing for April 1st at Seeds of Faith.
Here is the scenario:
You and your best friend [who is a woman] are 18. She is an honor roll student who has always been involved in sports and student politics. She has been offered scholarships to major universities. You’re having a conversation about colleges and intended majors. Your best friend says to you, “I’m not going to go to college. Instead, I’m going to marry Joe [long term boyfriend who is an honor roll student who has always been involved in sports and student politics]. We plan to start a family right away.”
Here is the survey question:
What is your reaction to your best friend’s life choice? Please provide an honest reaction.
Thank you!
Hallee
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This actually sounds like my life. Growing up, I had always wanted to go to college, get an education, career,and then married w/the possibility of kids far into the future. I met the love of my life on September 28th of my first semester and we were married on May 3rd—barely 7 months after meeting. I know my family and especially my friends that knew of all my plans and dreams thought I had went temporarily insane or at the very least was giving up on all my dreams. The thing is that we make plans and God gently shows us His plans and the better way. I knew in my heart that this is what God wanted for me and that He ALWAYS knows better! I have been married for 14 years and we have 2 wonderful sons. I love my family and don’t regret following the Lord and His will at all.
So to answer the question, I would counsel her to pray and really seek God’s will in her life and if that was the way that He was leading her to jump in and trust Him—-He NEVER leads us astray! :)
My views at 18 are different to now, but back when I was 18 I would have encourage her to gain further education as it may come in handy later in life. I now have a 21 year old future daughter-in-law who dropped out of university and my view now is that she has a life time to decide what she wants and she doesn’t need to rush into anything.
I went to university at 21 after I was married and did it part time while my son was a baby. It was hard at times and it took me 6 years but I am so pleases I gained a degree. I didn’t become a stay at home mum, instead have combined a career with the raising of two sons.
Wow…18 was a very, very, long time ago…
I would have encouraged her to be sure she wasn’t just obeying her parents (“we’re not going to stop you, but we think this is a bad idea”) but actually honoring them with this decision.
I think I would have encouraged her to wait until he was through (or mostly through) his schooling/training and could support a family. I probably would have encouraged her to find a job like banking, paralegal, medical transcriptionist, etc. where she would receive additional training, be able to put away money, and have a skill she could use to provide income from home because that’s what my mom did (she married at 18, but my dad was 23 and through college).
How would I want a friend to counsel my 18 year old daughter in an identical situation? (Which obviously wasn’t your question!)
WAIT!!!! A boy under his parent’s authority is not the man he will become under his own steam. He is going to change dramatically for either the better or the worse during his college years and/or into his mid 20’s. If he’s the man you think he is, he will be better equipped to lead a family, if he’s not, the next few years will show his true colors.
Put in at least 1 year at college getting a business certificate/degree that will allow you to run a business from home. Being out on your own will help you grow up, too, and see any weak points in your own faith.
Spend the next few years learning/perfecting your homemaking skills under your mom’s guidance, putting in as much time as possible with babies and small children, and developing a way to make income from home, whether that’s writing, sewing, cake decorating, transcription, daycare, or some other venue. If you have the ability to run a home smoothly, confidence with young children, and the ability to provide income independent of an employer you will be well-equipped for your life as a wife and mom.
I would also want her friend to challenge my daughter to see “are you in love with him, or in love with love?
Great survey!!! Looking forward to your article.
Thanks for the chance to respond. I never dreamed of getting married at 18, I was going to graduate high school, go to collage & graduate, find a well paying job and then find a husband. Well, that changed when I met my husband. After dating a few month we knew we would soon wed and we began praying and felt we were to get married when I graduated high school {he was already in college}. My friends thought I was crazy but, 6 years later I have NO REGRETS! I still went to college and I had the best experience, I had my best friend who is in a committed/covenantal with me so I always had someone on my side. My college was such a good experience and I was married. So many people think you can’t be married and go to college but you can, we even got most of our college paid for because we were both full-time students.
Our culture tells us that we have to do the college/career thing first, but, we don’t. I’m so grateful that I didn’t listen to my friends or my culture and delay getting married because those were non replaceable years.
Feel free to link up this survey on my Homemaking Link up.
Don’t Waste your Homemaking
Well 18 may be too young. But then again, she could be abnormally mature like Josh and Anna Duggar who were also married young. If she is VERY mature for her age then I would be more than happy for her and encourage her in her pursuit of Biblical womanhood. Our society today puts WAY too much emphasis on women going to college and “making something of themselves”. The phrase actually disgusts me…as if being a mother and homemaker is insignificant. Why not stay at home and learn from our mothers the skills of keeping house and raising children until it’s time for us to have a home of our own?
That is sooooo sad and really grieves my heart that you are discouraging your 7 year old daughter in wanting to be a mother. That is one of the major things that is wrong with our society today…women discouraging other women and making them believe they are “nothing” without a career outside the home.
AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow! First I would be surprised, because growing up in a college-minded family and college prep private high school, no one did this. However, I would not necessarily discourage it! Assuming this is a mature Christian girl, her decision is not made in haste, and she has the approval of her parents, I’d be excited for her!
While this scenario seems unusual in 2011, it hasn’t always been. Titus 2 teaches that young women need to learn character, marriage and parenting skills (love!), and homemaking skills, but never says they need to learn college curriculum. And many women get into great amounts of academic debt only to wish they could stay home with their children. I just finished college, and enjoyed that experience, but don’t think it’s always the best route!
I just had this discussion with a friend yesterday. She quit college after 1 year because she and her husband-to-be had discussed and agreed that she would be a SAHM and they planned to start a family right away. At the time, they were both in college and paying for it with student loans; they did not see a purpose in incurring additional debt if she did not plan to use her degree working outside the home. She is now the mother of 2 beautiful children and does not regret her decision at all. I also quit college after 1 year, but not because I valued being a SAHM/homemaker. I wish now I had seen the value in that role. We are working towards that goal-my husband is currently finishing his degree work at Piedmont Baptist College-but I do not find the fulfillment in the workplace (and I have a job where most people in my position DO have a degree) that I find when I am caring for my family and keeping my home.
I am not trying to discourage my daughter from being a mother, but I don’t want her to regret not being more than that. There is nothing wrong with preparing for your future, and by doing that, it’s not discouraging her from being a loving mother, I just say do it later.
— You marry young, have kids, and get into a homemaker routine, then discover you wish you had gotten a better education for a career for after the kids are in school full time, or grown. You have a tendency to feel like you missed out, and it creates a little remorse inside. I was sad for years that I never went to prom. Sure, that’s cliche, but there is a bigger reason behind it. I don’t want my daughter to think she has to choose college or motherhood, I want her to have both.
— I guess I didn’t look at what she said as the compliment it could have been, my daughter wanting to grow up to be just like me, I think it was my cynical thinking that she wants to grow up, become a better mother, and to not make my mistakes…. I was probably having a bad day. I hope she is a better mother, Lord knows I’ve had my challenges, but also thought I did my best. My kids are intelligent, respectful, polite, generous, compassionate, and very loving. I think I’m doing something right?!
I am not proud of my divorces, they bother me deep in my heart, but I love my kids with my WHOLE heart, and I DO encourage family AND marriage! I even try to encourage my friends to work for their weak marriages, to NOT get divorced. I know I have had to work on this one a few times, too. I hate divorce, it’s heartache for ALL involved! I sometimes feel like a hypocrite because 2 of mine failed. But I want to use my experience to encourage my kids to think about the big picture, and not just the new love or infatuation that they may be experiencing. Sure, you want it to be happily ever-after, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. How many young mothers are on welfare this day and age? Do you think that is going to change overnight?
— So tell me this, does it grieve your heart that I discouraged my 18 yr old son to not marry a 17 yr old girl that I knew would break his heart eventually? (which she did 3 months later). Please, don’t think I discouraged my daughter from being who she wants to be just because my wording in my comment was overly flamboyant – I want my daughter to be whatever makes her happy — but I don’t want her to get caught up in the fairy tale either. Life is tough, men (and women) are unpredictable, and you NEED to be able to stand on your own first. <3
Well if it were me now I would be very encouraging and thrilled for her!! Me at 18 years old? Not so much. At that point of my life I had been sold the lie of a woman being able to “have it all” and the “all” being worth it. I’m so thankful that the Holy Spirit convicted me of my sin of worship of money and status and I was able to embrace being a Wife and Mother, full time. The young women I know nowadays are still being sold that lie and I, in the most loving way possible, try to encourage them towards a biblical world view and pray they find the right path.
I feel like this is such a personal choice, and I how I would react would really be dependent upon the individual friend. I truly feel like it is just a wise thing to wait until your twenties to marry and start a family, but I do not believe that earlier marriage is necessarily predestined to fail and be miserable. I have friends whom I would have encouraged to do what their hearts lead them to do, knowing that they would be happy and successful and continue to grow and complement one another. I have other friends whom I would strongly encourage to WAIT.
I would support her decision as long as she seeks marital counseling before and during the first years of her marriage. Because she is getting married so young, her and her hubby would still have some growing up to do. Plus, the first years are the toughest no matter how old the bride and groom is.
I would encourage her!!! And congratulate her! What a blessing she would be! I would praise the Lord for such a girl and thank Him.
The Bible is so clear here, married women are to stay home and raise children. Our culture has brain washed hundreds of thousands into thinking that raising a family and being a homemaker is actually an option.
Choosing college and a career over a husband and family is blaspheming the word of God.
If their view of marriage were biblical, divorce would never be an option :) What a blessing if everyone viewed marriage as the Lord does!
The thought of this scenario makes me extremely excited. I am sixteen, and this is my dream life. I would wish her the absolute best, and express how jealous I am over her wonderful relationship! Although some say that 18 is too young to be married, I disagree. The age is not the deciding factor – it is the maturity level of the individual. Children are beginning to act as such for much longer than they used to. Running a household and supporting a family are no longer expected of people, so the need to take control of one’s life holds no value.
Being married late is one of my biggest fears – I feel like, if I marry later than 22, that I’m too old! I know I’m probably worrying too much, but it’s something that’s important to me. The older I get, the less children I will be able to bear, and because I only plan to have children within the confines of a secure marriage, the prospect of being married later in life makes me a bit anxious.
As long as the marrying couple carefully treads the beginning of their relationship and remains close to God, asking Him for his help and support, I believe they should be alright.
Everything I’ve thought of has already been posted by others, but since you asked for lots of responses I’ll post anyway, but it’s kind of a repeat.
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They want to have a lifetime marriage. There’s time to have babies after they have had more experience in the world outside their parents’ homes and more experience living with each other.
Aside from their wonderfulness, caring for babies can be exhausting for both parents, stressful, expensive, cause sleep-deprivation, some parts of baby care are IMO just plain tedious, and having babies might include unexpected medical issues. Since there is a lot of time to have children in what is going to be a lifetime marriage, I don’t see why the couple would need to put that strain on the marriage in the first year or so when they were learning to live with each other, enjoy each other, work as a team and learn to be adults. It would be different if they were older and already had experience living independently, either individually or as a couple.
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Their lifetime financial security would be better if he finishes college and develops some career potential, which he might not be able to do if he has to support a wife and babies while being a student. If she finishes college, and even better if she has some career potential, they have a better hedge against unexpected problems in the future, even if she plans to stay home and have babies after college if all goes as planned.
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Having a scholarship at a good school is a big one-time benefit; without the scholarship, later on college will cost a lot. If she’s undecided, she might ask if she can delay admission for a year (possibly taking community college classes or working). Another possibility is that she could do a couple of years at the college with the scholarship and then if it’s too hard for the relationship she could transfer, with at least that much of the college cost paid for at a good school.
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If they’re both 18 and have never lived away from their parents’ home, there are things they might find out about themselves and each other that they don’t realize now. They might be seeing the future through too limited a window, with too much fantasy. There are kinds of stress they might not be imagining. Some marriages do fine, but many others fall apart even when people have good intentions.In case they are not as mature as they think, it would be an advantage if they wait to marry, or if they marry but wait to have children, or if they marry but she continues getting the skills to support herself on her own.
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In the question, I don’t think it was stated what the young man’s college situation was. As other commenters have said, the best would be if they could go to the same college, or colleges in the same town. A four year long distance relationship for teenagers seems tricky. Whether that says anything about the strength of their relationship or not, I don’t know.
Can I add here even though I’m late for the party?
First, Elyse’s response made me smile and my reply would be the same.
I would be thrilled for her.
To those who say 18 is too young to marry, I would like to know on what they are basing their opinion. Waiting until mid-20’s or 30’s to marry after you finish college, have a good job, etc, is not a prerequisite to marriage. Maturity should play a factor. We keep pushing that perfect age for marriage higher and higher. Why?
My parents, who have been married for 48 years, married at 18 and 15. I was born 10 1/2 months later. My husband and I married at 19 and 17. Yes, I was an honor student and had numerous offers for college which I turned down. I graduated early, in fact, to marry. Our plans for starting a family were not God’s plans. We were married 8 years before he blessed us with our daughter. I worked as a CDA while we had no children. When Rebekah was 18 months old my husband and I agreed I should stay home full time. That was 21 years ago and I’ve been home ever since. Just assuming younger couples will fail is a false assumption. One of my good friends throughout school had a mom and dad younger than mine by a few months – they’re still married, too!
I just commented on your more recent scenario. I am more likely to support this person because it is prior to making the committment. She has thought about what she wants to do and is making her decision. Like previous commenters have stated, her age shouldn’t matter, but maturity does. If she feels marriage is her path over college, then that is her decision to make. I don’t place importance on having a degree, but having a strong work ethic and finishing what you start. If she is going to do her best at being a wife and mother, then that is what she should do.
Love your blog Hallee! interesting question
I am also 18, right? Nothing, i don’t say or do anything. I continue with my plans. At 38, i would explain how important it is to go to college, she can still be married and and do everything else, but she should become better educated. Education is just that important! It is a moral responsibility to use your God given gifts. In doing so you make the world and your family better.
Sounds like me except I wasn’t honor roll student. Though I contemplated college I knew I wanted to be a stay at home when I had children. I got married a few months after i turned 19. I have now been married for almost four years and have two little ones. I am glad I did not go to college and rack up lots of college debt because then I could have never stayed at home with my little ones. However just because this was right for me does not say everyone should get married so young. Marriage and parenting are so hard (I am sure I don’t have to tell you that) but they are the most worthwhile things. I have grown so much in such a short amount of time and most importantly know I did what God wanted! Hope this answers your question sorry it was kinda all over the place!