Monday Morning Survey

I actually lived this when I was 18. One of my closest friends opted to not go to college and married her high school sweetheart. My reaction at the time was that she was giving up on her dreams and settling. I was heart broken that she was throwing away an amazing opportunity to go to college for free. I tried to encourage her to go to college and get her degree. She would always have something to fall back on if things didn’t work out like she planned and she needed to continue working to help make ends meet. She did go to college for one semester and decided that it really wasn’t what she wanted to do. They have been married for 14 years and have 6 children. She is very happy. For her, it was the right decision.

Wow. I think I would be pretty shocked. I think my reaction would depend a little on how well I know my friend’s dreams and goals in life. Just because she is good at all those things and has been involved in so much doesn’t really mean that’s what she’s always wanted to do. Maybe what she really wants to do is be at home and have kids. I hope I would be supportive of her decision; but I would probably also think she was slightly crazy. Honestly, when I was 18, I don’t think the thought ever occurred to me to get married and stay home instead of going to college. Of course, I’d never had a boyfriend either and frankly, most of my friends at that point hadn’t either. That’s it in a nutshell without getting long-winded. Hope that helps!

I would counsel her to go to college as well. There is just so much to learn out there.
The other part of it is, will her fiance go to college? I would be concerned that they would be resigning themselves to a lifetime of low-paying jobs and not much of a future if they got married and truly started their family right away, without at least one of them getting a degree – how will her husband support them if he is still in school? How will he get a degree if he is working to support a wife and child/children? That is a lot of stress to place on a young, untested relationship.

Wow. I have nieces that age right now and would do my very best to convince them that getting an education is the best idea. Even if they decide to start a family *after* that, just wait a few years and get that degree first.
However, I *was* that girl in high school (honor student, good college lined up, the whole deal). I did go to school for a year, but then we got married and had #1, #2 was born 16 months later. Four children and fourteen years later, I wouldn’t trade my family for anything in the world, and feel more than blessed that I get to stay home and raise them. Sure there are experiences that I missed after high school, and occasionally regret not having that degree, but those are fleeting thoughts not true feelings.

Well, my honest initial response: at that age, I would have tried to convince her to go to school. Today’s world view is definitely not supportive of a marriage right out of high school. Most people would say she needs to go to college and get a degree so she could stand on her own two feet and not need a man to support her. I was one of those people when I was that age. Now, with my current view, I’m not sure what I would say. I may still try to convince her to get a degree but for different reasons…. a degree may come in handy to help support her family in the future since in this day and age, no one has a stable job. I for sure would suggest she pray about it at the very least! ;)

My honest reaction would be to make sure she was confident in her decision and back her 100%.

Is she a Christian? It could well be the way God was leading her…so who are we to question? Too often, we put our own hopes and dreams on someone else. The scenario sounds very familiar!

I am not single; I am a 43 year old woman (with a graduate degree)…but here is my response. If my observations of them over the years did not raise any red flags and her parents and pastor were supportive of her choice, I would encourage and support her. We live in a “me” generation that seems to believe that the point of life is pursuing one’s worldly success. The greatest blessings come from marriage and family. One can pursue education and a “back up” vocation locally, or even, from home. I believe that it is evident, via the current state of home and family, the outcomes a “me” centered social perspective has wrought. If she has been blessed with an appropriate marriage candidate young, she is doubly blessed because she has time and opportunity to have a large family and thereby amply bless many ensuing generations.

My answer would be very different now than when I was 18. I too had friends that had the same desires as the senario, and I thought they were making the wrong decision. I was going to college and waiting until I graduated before getting married. But it wasn’t until much later that I realized, I wanted the same thing. I think sometimes the desire of having a family and staying at home hits us women at different times or stages in our lives, some earlier and some later.

My parents were this senario, of course, in a different society as now, and they did just fine. I’m sure there might have been stressful situations that my brother and I never knew about, but I never remember doing without a “need”. There were things we didn’t get to do or have, did we really need those things? My mom just recently used the word onery when refering to her not working outside the home when we were little and I laughed my head off! She can work circles around most men I know!

I would most likely try to talk her into college and getting a sample of life before settling down. But, I would be supportive either way.

Wow, I also lived this to a degree, except I was 16, had no kids the first time, and that marriage didn’t last 2 yrs. The second marriage at 20, we had 2 kids at 23 and 28. It lasted 13 yrs. I am married again, the 3rd time’s the charm (11+ yrs and 2 more kids at 38 and 40) and feel I have finally grown up as much as I can now. I am probably more patient and attentive to my youngest kids, than I was to my older boys.

If I knew then what I know now —- Don’t get married before you are 25 yrs old.

My 7 yr old daughter has told me several times “I don’t want to go to college, I want to be a mommy like you.” — awwww —- heck no!! You are NOT going to bypass your own potential to be who you are as yourself first!

If I had someone to encourage me as a teenager, someone to help guide me to student aid, narrow down my talents and strengths, and help me hone in on my personal desires, I would have gone to school. I took an assessment test at a local college, and had so many things I could do, but nobody helped me single out the best, so I gave up on it.

I made that mistake with my oldest son. He is talented in so many ways. He tried going to college twice, but he gave up. I didn’t know how to encourage him! My second son is excelling beyond my dreams! He is driven and going to college and has several career certifications under his tender belt (18) already – his goal is to be a paramedic, and I would give everything I had to help him succeed. (and I flat out told him, do NOT get married to that girl! And he is so thankful NOW, that he didn’t!)

I also got married to get out of the control of my parents that weren’t very contributory to my future. I existed as their child, not someone they groomed into adulthood to actually “be” anything. I got here by chance, I think. My mom and dad worked, a lot. I wanted my mom home, so I decided to be home for my kids. I still have the desire to go back to school, but being my age (46), I probably couldn’t get a job in my chosen field (if I could actually choose one).

Maybe this was my destiny, and no matter what I would’ve done couldn’t change it. But being 18, and trying to make this decision with an 18 yr old friend, without hindsight, who knows? — when you’re that age, you really don’t listen to anybody but yourself. You just have to hope the parents are more involved (because of their life experience) and help her make the right decision for her. So, I will use my hindsight, and encourage my own children (the boys, too) to strive for their career goals first. Become who YOU are supposed to be before you have to become responsible for molding another human into who THEY are supposed to be. <3

My first reaction is to take her by the shoulders and shake her, but I think I’d really want to hear from her first. To me, forgoing college to marry and have kids can be a fine idea IF this young woman has thought and prayed about it intentionally, talked to wiser and older women for counsel and can clearly verbalize to me why this is her priority and how she sees her future. I would be terribly worried for her, however, if this decision seemed impulsive or ill-informed (if her expectations for marriage and motherhood were unrealistic, etc.).

I think that regardless of how informed her decision seemed to be, I’d want to have a discussion about the value higher education could have for raising her kids. For example, if she later chooses to home school some college work in education could be really helpful. I’d also want to talk with her about whether she intends to entirely forgo higher education or whether she’s keeping her options open about possibly going back to school later/parttime/online, etc.

Good question!

I would tell her to really think about it and make sure it is what she really wants (isnt that what friends do? lol) – however, I AM THAT WOMAN in the story. Didn’t go to college and started a family. It was definitely the RIGHT choice for me. To each his own. What might work for one person might not be the best choice for another. For me, I always wanted to be a wife and stay-at-home-mother who homeschooled her children. I never had a desire to go to college. I didn’t even know a profession that I would choose. And while that isn’t a reason to say no to college in itself, I had a plan and knew exactly what I wanted :) xoxo.

Is this girl a Christian?
My first reaction would be to ask her if she has prayed about this decision and asked God if this is what HE wants for her life-long journey. Marriage is a vocation to which we are called.
Love is not a feeling, but a commitment.
Is this how God wants her to serve Him for the rest of her life?
I would also ask her if she is sexually active with this boyfriend. That can really sway a girl.
If she is, her life is out of order with God.

There is certainly nothing wrong with getting married at an early age, but most of us need time to grow up into the twenty-something years before we understand the beauty of love and marriage.

Here is a four-step discernment process.
TAKE THESE STEPS as you go through the process of discernment:

1. BECOME AWARE
Questions to ask yourself: Has anyone ever suggested that I might want to consider being a brother, a sister, or a priest? Has someone invited me to be active in ministry? Has anyone recognized gifts and talents in me and called them forth? Do I acknowledge that these voices could be the voice of God leading me toward my vocation in life? How do I sift through all of it? How do I discern God’s voice in the midst of the cacophony around me? What do I hear? To whom am I listening? How much time do I spend in prayer? Have I asked God for assistance as I strive to listen for my vocation in life? What do others have to say to me, about me?

2. GATHER INFORMATION AND INVESTIGATE THE MANY AVAILABLE OPTIONS
Questions to ask yourself: What are my gifts? Where am I best suited to serve? What motives are driving me in my choices? Where am I resisting God’s invitation?

3. CHOOSE WHAT YOU UNDERSTAND TO BE GOD’S WILL
Questions to ask yourself: What is the most loving choice I can make? What is the choice that will help me be most fully myself?

4. LOOK FOR CONFIRMATION OF YOUR CHOICE
Questions to ask yourself: What happens within me? Is there peace, even in the midst of some doubts? What happens when I share my choice with other people? Do others say, “Oh, I can see you as . . . .”? How do I understand negative responses that occur within me? How do I interpret negative responses that I receive from family members or from friends? How do I listen to these guides? Do I seek to find God’s voice in the voices of those who know me and who love me? Do I take any criticism or concern as an opportunity to examine my motivations and find myself strengthened rather than weakened in my resolve?

Above all, thank her for the privilege of her confidance on this issue. Let her know that you love her and are praying for her and available for talking any time.

God bless you!

I’d support her and hope she was a Christian and this was how she felt God was leading her. If I was in her situation at 18, I might have chosen the same thing for myself. My dream was always to get married and have a family and be a stay at home mom. It was just not a reality for me at 18 so I chose another option, go to college and hopefully along the way, the dream would someday come true. I never used my degree from my first college experience and ended up going back to school to get a different degree after I was married. I worked in that profession until I had my first child. So, you CAN always go back to school if you feel that is what God is calling you to and you can do it with children. I graduated with many moms. The experience might not be the same because you have more responsiblities than many younger students but it is not necessary to go to college right away after graduating high school. Also, it would not be my area to offer her any advice if I was the same age. I don’t think me as an 18 year old would have enough life experience to advise her on this. I would hope she wouldn’t seek my advice or opinion and if she truly wanted guidance, she would seek out an older adult with more knowledge and wisdom.

6 months post divorce from the man I met at age 18 and married at age 21, I would tell her a few things:

1) Please go to college.
2) Go to college with Joe as your boyfriend and marry him when you have both graduated.
3) If you cannot wait to marry him, go to college with Joe as your husband.
4) Just please wait to have kids until after you have been married a few years.

Joe will always be there, if he is meant to be your husband. Develop that relationship as an adult so that you can be the best parents possible to your future children. Let college be that time of growth.

I would encourage her to spend a lot of time in prayer and fasting, both with her intended, and alone. I would also suggest that she enlist the prayers of her parents, pastor, and any other mentor (such as a teacher or Sunday School teacher) that she has. I would suggest that she could get married and still begin college (they are not mutually exclusive). It is not easy to do with kids, but it is possible (my mother is a good example). She could graduate and choose not to work outside the home, or to develop a career or business from home. Even she did not do that, I don’t believe that education is ever wasted. Your description makes it sound like she might be a good candidate for something like that, as opposed to someone whose talents and abilities may not be best suited for college.

If, after prayer and fasting and seeking wise counsel, she decides not to go to college, then I would try to be supportive of her choice.

Oh wow…If it was just straight back to when I was 18,then my advice would be much different than now. Back then I would have said, “RUN! Get out while you can!” My perspective then was anyone who stayed still would be trapped and stuck forever…and one day when you wanted to have done something you wouldn’t have the time, money, energy or will…

Now, if this was a friend and I knew what I know now I would say, “Pray! Trust God and try to do both. You can be married, wait for children and accomplish great things with your education. You and your husband shouldn’t feel like you have to lose your chance at school for a relationship. If it is God’s will you can make it work because it is for His glory.” Pray, talk to each other, trusted advisors (not necessarily your parents only, but include them) and trust God.

I’m curious why the question is being asked, but either way… I would support my friend. In fact, I tell Matt all the time that if our girls decide not to go to college and get married instead to start, and take care of, a family, I will support them whole-heartedly. That’s not to say I won’t also support their decision should they choose to go to college, but I would support them either way.

I agree with what a lot of others have said… It’s hard to go back to being an 18 yr old and look at it from that perspective.

Senior yr of HS, one of my closest friends got pg. Her boyfriend’s parents didn’t even know they were dating. I thought she was nuts for wanting to keep the baby, marry her boyfriend, etc. I was not a supportive friend and our friendship ended because of it. Somehow she thought I was trying to encourage her to have an abortion, which I was not. I only recently found out that is why she stopped talking to me and thankfully I was able to apologize to her and have closure. Her and her boyfriend did get married, had the baby and a couple of years later had another child. They eventually divorced. She became a single mother with no real job skills.

Me, on the other hand… I moved in with my boyfriend, worked 2 and 3 jobs to put myself thru college and we got married after we both graduated. I realized I moved in with him to get away from my home (I was responsible for basically raising my younger brother). We didn’t quite make it to 2 yrs of marriage before we got divorced (we wanted different things, he never matured, and there was also emotional/verbal abuse). I never in a million years thought I would be a stay at home mom. I knew I wanted kids but I always thought I’d be a career woman, the one who “has it all”. I met my 2nd husband, got married, we had our 1st child 3 yrs later, I continued to work but then circumstances led to me losing my job and our priorities changed to my husband and I agreeing it would be best for me to stay home.

Anyways, there are several young women at my church who have gotten married and it has boggled my mind as to why they are getting married so young. I feel as if they have their whole lives ahead of them. Why not go to school, discover who they are as a person first, see the world, then settle down and have kids. A big regret I have is that even though I did go to college, I gave up a lot of freedoms to be with a guy. I wish I would have been my own person, joined the military then rather than when I was 28, saw the world (it’s way harder when you are older and have 3 kids).

But being this girl’s friend at only 18, with no life experience myself… Well, I’d hope I would be supportive. I’d ask her why she was suddenly changing paths. Ask her to meditate/pray about it. Is it something she feels God is calling her to? How does she think she will feel in 5 yrs about giving up on her prior dreams? Were they really her dreams in the first place? Do she and her boyfriend have a plan on how they will make it all work? How will they support themselves and their future children? I’d ask her to consider pre marriage counseling thru a pastor (assuming she is Christian). I’d let her know I would be try to be there for her, to support her in whatever she chose. I recognize though, that if we were choosing different paths, the likelihood of our friendship continuing would be very difficult. Again, drawing from experience, I got married before my best friend did and our friendship changed. She eventually married a much older man and they decided not to have kids (even though she had always wanted kids before). I have found that she does not seem to be able to relate to me as a mother, which is difficult for me because that is who I have become. Our lives are very different and it makes it hard for us to relate to one another like we used to.

I just turned 19 last week, so it is very easy for me to relate to this scenario. I am currently attending a Christian University and earning a degree in Early Childhood Education. I really want to be a homemaker, but I want to get a degree so that I can support myself while I am single and if I ever get into a position where I have to work. I would probably be shocked and speechless at first, and after I had time to think about it I would ask her why she wanted to do it. If she’s a Christian, I would ask her how seriously she has been praying about it and encourage her to talk to her parents and listen to what they have to say. No matter what happens, I would tell her that I am praying that she will make the right decision, and would try to help her find someone who could guide her in the right direction.

I would tell her I was happy for her but I definitely think she should think about it before making such a decision. When I was 18, I thought I knew what I wanted.. and maybe it was what I wanted at the time, but things change, especially when you’re so young (and yes, 18 is young, I was young when I was 18, although not necessarily immature). If you asked me at 18 where I thought I’d be in 5 years (I’m 26 now), I would have given a totally different situation. It seems my life has changed in drastic ways every year since I graduated high school. And no matter how much I thought I liked a guy at any given time, I definitely did not think so a few months/years later, and I couldn’t see myself marrying anyone I’ve dated up till now!

I don’t think many people know what they want at 18, and I’d be afraid she’d jump into something and end up regretting it. Most people end up breaking up with their high school boyfriend/girlfriend after going to college, because people mature and change and find out what they thought they wanted really wasn’t what they did, it’s a natural part of growing up.

As far as the degree thing goes – yes, a degree is important, and college is also important, although I do think it’s overrated. It’s more of the social aspect of learning how to live on your own and how to interact with different people, being thrown into new situations, broadening your view of the world and experiencing new things – that’s the important part. She’d be missing out on a vital part of young adulthood, something that many people regret years down the road – you can always go back to college for a degree, but later in life it will be a struggle to go back to school while working/raising kids, and you’ll never be able re-live the college experience as a young person.

She could get married but at the same time enroll in college, maybe even the same college as her boyfriend/husband… or just stay engaged and try out a year before jumping into marriage. She has years to start a family, and while she doesn’t have to wait until she’s 30 or something, 18 is a little young to start having kids – she’d benefit from a few years of learning how to be an adult before having to raise kids while doing so.

If they were good kids and sure of what they were doing, if they had prayed about it with their families, I would also pray for them and give them my support.