“How do I look?” Part 1 of 7
To access all posts in this series, click here.
With Hallee out of town tending to family business for a few days, I have been given free reign to take over the homemaker duties here for now and well into the new year. So, I am going to “batch” it in my former bachelor style and try my very best to respectfully and thoughtfully discuss a controversial topic that may be of interest to Hallee’s readers in her absence. I am going to do this prayerfully, thoughtfully, and thoroughly because this topic has been percolating for a while.
The topic is:
Does appearance matter in marriage? Is refusing to take stewardship over one’s personal appearance — “appearance” as defined by whatever subjective standards individual married couples recognize — considered sinful?
Some bloggers have alleged that it is very common core belief among Christian men that a wife’s changing body will incite husbands to commit adultery. Some have compounded this allegation by claiming that this is excusable / justified / understood to be the case.
Personally, I find even the allegation offensive and so have gone on a month’s long spiritual retreat. My goal was to compose my thoughts and feelings on the matter and express my opinion of those who cast such allegations. This typically leads to energetic discussion of these topics on long car trips or over coffee in the Homemaker household. So sit back and prayerfully, thoughtfully, honestly consider one full week of unusual controversy.
When Christians Fight… (In this corner)
Pastor Tim Challies is a self described “follower of Jesus Christ,” author of The Next Story among other titles, and blogger. He worships and serves as a full time pastor at Grace Fellowship Church in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Rachel Held Evans is a self described “Christ-follower” and skeptic, author of the book Evolving in Monkey Town, and blogger.
Mary Kassian is a Christian, author of the best seller Girls Gone Wise, writer, and blogger.
Several months ago, Kassian wrote a post entitled “What Not to Wear“, that started the fray. When Pastor Mark Driscoll twittered her “What Not to Wear” post, the Girls Gone Wise website got flooded with so many visitors that it temporarily downed the site.
Partly in response to the hullabaloo, Evans wrote a post entitled “Thou Shalt Not Let Thyself Go” which begins with a quotation from Pastor Mark Driscoll back in 2006, “A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband in the ways that the Song of Songs is so frank about is not responsible for her husband’s sin, but she may not be helping him either.”
Based on this quote, Evans antithetically states that “The message is as clear as it is ominous: Stay beautiful or your husband might leave you. And if he does, it’s partially your fault.”
Evans concludes her post by asking the another non sequiter question, “Guys – What is your reaction to the suggestion that a wife’s changing body incites men to cheat?” Which of course has almost nothing to do with the points of either the quote or the preceding posts.
Pastor Challies responded to Evans’ post taking on the sometimes daunting task in our currently ultra-feminized and ultra-secularized culture of writing an article that specifically deals with how important appearance is in marriage while disagreeing on the whole with Evan’s sexist worldview.
If Kassian’s original post hadn’t generated enough debate, the Evans and Challies posts sparked serious controversy. If anything became clear in the aftermath, it was this: the subject of appearance — particularly female appearance — is apparently utterly taboo, especially in what we Westerners call our churchgoing circles.
Mary Kassian published a post on the Journal of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood site entitled “Female Beauty Matters,” in which she tried to reconcile the entire dispute by appealing to the biblical truth that our earthly beauty merely points to the awe inspiring transcendent beauty of our God and the risen Savoir.
Given all that context — and the above resources that you can read for yourselves — for the next week, I am going to shatter some pretty strong taboos and get very, very real about the importance of appearance, particularly as it relates to marriage and matters of fidelity.
Enough time has passed since the original fray that it is my hope that tempers have cooled and emotions have slowly given way to rationality. Over the months, I prayerfully considered whether to even write about all this, and ultimately concluded that it may do someone some good.
Definitions
Before I even get into the blow by blow commentary, I think definitions are in order. First, let me define the terms as I will use them. “Appearance” is not entirely objective, nor entirely subjective. It is both. Furthermore, there is a spiritual quality to appearance.
In the last 500 years and in various modern cultures, attractive attributes include things such as impossibly small feet, extraordinarily large lips or ears, or ridiculously long necks. In those cultures, often women resort to self mutilation in striving to attain this desired appearance, as well as cultures involving scars, tattoos, and body piercing. (On a side note, I believe many forms of plastic surgery carry on the grand tradition of self mutilation sacrificed on the alter of subjective appearance.) Women have been described as “lovely” when they wore anything from slight gowns of gossamer to opaque burkas and veils that hid all but their eyes. In certain cultures, the ideal involves hair or fingernails that have never been cut. In certain historical cultures, never bathing oneself was seen as virtuous. Tribal cultures today sport hairdos using a foundation of animal dung. These choices in appearance are entirely subjective since there is, ultimately, choice on the part of the subject.
We have also seen cultures where the ideal female form involved anything from the full breasted, wide hipped, potbellied and curvaceous Rubenesque beauty to the breastless-hipless bulimic stick figure “flapper girl” of the 1920s or as typified by the model Twiggy in the early 1960s — and absolutely everything in between. These aspects of appearance may be either subjective or objective, depending upon whether one is objectively born with the look that happens to be in vogue in that particular culture by way of winning the genetic lottery or — if not — the lengths the subject is willing to go to in order to attain the ideal subjective physical shape.
Women were seen as beauties by their various cultures when they tower over men or when they stand significantly shorter. If one is born tall or short, this is an objective trait. Subjective compensation such as high heels, however, are common. When a woman’s hair is jet black, ruby red, golden blonde, or earthy brown it can be seen as beautiful. If her hair color is natural, this is objective but if it is dyed, it is subjective.
In these respects it becomes obvious that the recognized standards that comprise “appearance” are largely subjective and founded in whatever given particular culture is in question and wherever choice is exercised. Standards of beauty are going to vary widely depending upon given factors. As Challies states in his post, “These things may vary a lot from time to time and culture to culture; even more so, they will vary from couple to couple.”
However, “appearance” objectively and outwardly includes such things as one’s cultural appeal by means unaltered physical attributes, apparent health, chosen dress, and personal grooming. Objectively, these components of appearance cross historical, cultural, and gender lines, whatever arbitrary standard happens to be in vogue at the time.
Objective aspects of appearance are the natural effects of living and growing old. Babies are often toothless and bald. They have a unique appearance. Octogenarians are likewise often toothless and hairless, but usually taller than infants. Hair turns silver, or vanishes. Things sag a bit here and there. Ears, noses, and breasts droop. Hair sprouts from nostrils and other unexpected places. Voices change. Wrinkles happen.
Sometimes, in the course of living life, illness or injury takes a toll. My mother and grandmother each lost breasts to cancer. I very realistically might have lost a limb, an eye, or been badly burned while serving overseas. Many veterans are now maimed as a result of their service. Just as these things that objectively affect appearance take place without intent on the part of the individual so affected, so do things like pregnancy, gray hair, baldness, stretch marks, and the effects of gravity over time.
I say all this to make three points concerning these aspects of appearance. First, across cultures, we very often widely ignore those objective aspects of human appearance which are not matters of choice. Secondly, the objective aspects of human appearance should never be equivocated as every aspect of appearance. Unless you are an extremely ignorant or extremely shallow human being, doing so is logically fallacious. Thirdly, the objective aspects of human appearance should never be conflated with any subjective aspect of appearance. To do so possibly demonstrates either ignorance or bigotry in the form of sexism and is certainly a logical fallacy as well.
Lastly, I want to define the spiritual aspects of human appearance, namely the responsibility we bear as being Image Bearers of our Creator. Genesis informs us, the first time we are mentioned, that God created us male and female in HIS image. We are, therefore, image bearers of the Creator of time, the universe, and all things seen and unseen. This aspect of appearance means that when I look at any other human being, I am seeing the reflected spiritual image of the one true God in all of His unmistakable majesty and glory. As a believer, that had better affect the way in which I deal with my fellow man on a daily basis.
It is this spiritual aspect of appearance that Mary Kassian earnestly attempted to define by pointing out that our earthly beauty merely points to the awe inspiring transcendent beauty of our God and the risen Savoir.
The stage is set
Refer back to these definitions if there arises any controversy over my use of any of the terms in the coming days. Please let me know if you agree or disagree with my interpretation of these aspects of appearance.
God Bless,
Gregg
Gregg, I can’t wait for more of this series!! Bring it, brother! I’m passing along to my husband to read as well. :-)
I look forward to reading your coming posts on this topic.
I think it’s a great topic, and even more interesting as it is a husband presenting it. One thing I work on with my kids is “What is your REASON for dressing that way?” I think a lot of outfits would be eliminated if we simply looked honestly at our motives for choosing them. Interested in what you have to say this week!
Twiggy was not a 1920s flapper, she was a 1960s model.
One area I find interesting is a man typically wants his wife to dress and act conservative in public with him. No bulging breasts in low-cut shirts, no short skirts, no bright red nails, no big poofy hair, not to wear lots of make-up. Yet, the same men luster over models, cheerleaders, actresses, etc who look like this!! Why?
Great point. Stick with me.
True. Worded badly I think. Hopefully fixed now.
Fun, fun. I’m in.
(As an aside, I always forget how much wordier you are than Hallee. haha)
@Anonymous: If you go back an re-read the article, it is noted that Twiggy was a model from the ’60’s.
Gregg, I look forward to reading the upcomong posts on this topic. I do, however, hope that you do not only direct this at women but also toward the men. I find that in THIS society, women are constantly being blamed for “letting themselves go”, but hardly ever is it pointed out that men grow pot bellies, dress sloppy and slack off on shaving. Having said that, and knowing you, I am certain that there will be a lesson to learn in this, mostly that appearance should be of more inward spiritual focus rather than outward appearance….But I still want to see the guys get their fair share in the lesson of “keeping up an outwardly appearance”! :)
I find it astonishing that you feel it is hardly ever pointed out that men grow pot bellies, dress sloppily, and slack off on shaving. Perhaps you simply aren’t “seeing the arrow” since you just aren’t looking for it.
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Nevertheless, I think you will find my treatment even handed and fair.
@ Lisa ~
What I find interesting is that, in general, our husbands want us to dress wholesome and classy, yet their eyes and brains wonder to trashy and flashy. What is a woman to do?
You know, I have pondered that myself. When we go to the mall, even my kids and I find ourselves looking at those who dress in a cheap way, so I am not totally sure I can fault a man for noticing “forbidden fruit.” It is when they entertain/fantasize/dwell there that there is a problem. And my looking attractive and staying sexually active in my marriage can help with that. It also helps me, if we’re being completely honest. It’s how God made us. I think that my being attractive is more than me not wanting my husband to stray though; it is me telling him that he is worth my effort, my time, and my energy. Just like I dress nicely to go out with the girls or to church or something, I dress nicely to show him that he matters to me. Does that make sense?
I look forward to reading what you have to say!
Thank you for being bold enough to do so.
Perhaps you could be correct in assuming that I may not “see the arrow”, as being a female, I could have somewhat of a biased opinion. However, I hardly find it “astonishing” that I missed the proverbial arrow that you speak of, for even in your writings in Part 1 of this article, the majority of references points toward women.
I am very excited to see your points of view on this topic. It will be refreshing to hear a male’s take on the way they feel their appearances, both subjective and objective, are judged in today’s world.
Many happy writings, my friend. I look forward to the upcoming days!
Here is what the secular world of feminists really think of men…
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“I feel that ‘man-hating’ is an honourable and viable political act.” – Robin Morgan, Ms. Magazine Editor
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“I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.” — Andrea Dworkin from Ice And Fire
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“The more famous and powerful I get the more power I have to hurt men.” — Sharon Stone
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“All men are rapists and that’s ALL they are” — Marilyn French (fictional protagonist “Val” in her novel acting as French’s sock puppet)
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“Rape is nothing more or less than a conscious process of intimidation by which all men keep all women in a state of fear” — Susan Brownmiller
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“In a patriarchal society, all heterosexual intercourse IS rape because women, as a group, are not strong enough to give meaningful consent.” — Catherine MacKinnon
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“Men who are unjustly accused of rape can sometimes gain from the experience.” – Catherine Comins
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“The proportion of men must be reduced to and maintained at approximately 10% of the human race.” — Sally Miller Gearhart (she absolutely meant it, too)
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“To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.” -– Valerie Solanas
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“Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release.” — Germaine Greer.
Ouch! We must not share the same reading lists! Those are very barbaric, men-hating quotes you have found. Seems like sagging breasts and gray hair may not be so bad after all! :)
HA!
By the way, let me go on the record as stating, “I am not a femenist”.
Correction: “I am not a FEMINIST!” :)
I realize those are the extreme. My point is that misandry is just part of living in the North American culture, much like air. When I say you aren’t seeing the arrow, I am asking, does a fish know it’s wet? There is a pretty good series of books on the topic: Spreading Misandry: The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture (2001); Legalizing Misandry: From Public Shame to Systemic Discrimination Against Men (2006); Sanctifying Misandry: Goddess Ideology and the Fall of Man (2010).
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Look at men in general, and dad’s specifically, whenever they are portrayed in advertisements. They are mindless children who need a woman to keep them in line or pantie wastes who are only ever useful when buying things for women and absolutely nothing more (see Zales, Kay, Hallmark). The beer commercial dad is a beer guzzling (obviously), jock sniffing, self centered, self involved, selfish, woman hating, womanizing, skirt chasing, crude, fat, unshaven, slovenly buffoon.
The beer commercial dad is the template for every dad that is ever portrayed in film or on TV. In a generation we went from Pa Ingles to Al Bundy.
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It is astonishing if you don’t see it. Look for it and I promise you will see that it is EVERYWHERE. It is a mantra. Men are stupid. Men are useless. Men are violent. Men are pigs. Men are clowns. Blah blah blah blah blah.
I am a feminist (which is defined by women having equal opportunity to make their own choices and not being denied something – like entry to medical school – simply because they are female). These quotes are scathing and don’t represent the majority of females or feminists. Nonetheless, I still don’t understand how you can say that men’s appearance is treated the same as a woman’s appearance. Our society seems to judge men by their paychecks while women are judged by their appearance.
Feminism is hated because women are hated. Anti-feminism is a direct expression of misogyny; it is the political defense of women hating.
Andrea Dworkin
When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.
Mae West
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein
Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.
Rush Limbaugh
“I am a feminist (which is defined by women having equal opportunity to make their own choices and not being denied something – like entry to medical school – simply because they are female).”
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If this is a valid definition of a feminist then I am certainly a feminist, also. That is, assuming I am not excluded by default simply by virtue of my sex? May I have entry into the feminist club, or am I excluded simply because I am male? If I can’t be a feminist, that hardly seems fair.
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I guess what I am saying is that, in my opinion, yours isn’t a valid definition of a feminist. Yours is a good definition of a fair minded human being of either sex.
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A feminist is a FEMALE who hates MALES with a deep, deep burning hate hotter than the heart of the sun. A feminist actively and/or passively practices and/or supports misandry under the guise of being a fair minded human being.
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Obviously, not all women are feminists. However, feminist attitudes and feminist ethos and feminist jargon have invaded Christendom just as surely as the snake invaded the garden. Case in point — Rachel Held Evans. While she is probably not a true feminist, she also probably doesn’t even realize just how compromised and conformed to the world (opposed to the WORD) she has become. When the Christian world view is compromised, the result is a dissonance, a disharmony with God that creates a discord in your soul. That is not the blessings of scripture or the light of grace. That is hell on earth.
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“Nonetheless, I still don’t understand how you can say that men’s appearance is treated the same as a woman’s appearance.”
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I get why you don’t understand how I can say that. I get it because, well, I didn’t say it. I would sincerely be interested in your take on anything I actually did write in the posts or the comments.
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“Our society seems to judge men by their paychecks while women are judged by their appearance.”
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Obviously, there is a gigantic chasm between what really is right and good and what our ultra feminized and secularized culture — “our society” — would have us believe is right and good.
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I find it interesting that you quote Dworkin. May I share some more Dworkin quotes?
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“Men are rapists, batterers, plunderers, killers; these same men are religious prophets, poets, heroes, figures of romance, adventure, accomplishment, figures ennobled by tragedy and defeat. Men have claimed the earth, called it “Her”. Men ruin Her. Men have airplanes, guns, bombs, poisonous gases, weapons so perverse and deadly that they defy any authentically human imagination.”
Andrea Dworkin, Pornography: Men Possessing Women
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“The traditional flowers of courtship are the traditional flowers of the grave, delivered to the victim before the kill. The cadaver is dressed up and made up and laid down and ritually violated and consecrated to an eternity of being used.”
Andrea Dworkin
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“Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women”s bodies.”
– Andrea Dworkin from an interview
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“The cultural institutions which embody and enforce those interlocked aberrations – for instance, law, art, religion, nation-states, the family, tribe, or commune based on father-right – these institutions are real and they must be destroyed.”
– Andrea Dworkin
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Then there is your quote. Women are hated? And my previous quote. “I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.” Can you imagine a male author with misogynistic attitudes writing that about a woman?
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So, for Dworkin, it is all about the hate and destroying and the “all sex is rape” clap-trap — but apparently men cannot be used and women are totally innocent of any crimes of hubris or cruelty in all the history of the human race. In short, there is no desire for understanding or unity or bridging any perceived gap on the part of “Ms” Dworkin. She is one who perpetuates the mythical “battle of the sexes” based on a very flawed spirit and damaged psyche.
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We exist in a culture rife with misandry and misogyny. It gets filtered based on one’s world view and chosen set of biases, but the truth is that it surrounds us like water surrounds a fish.
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Thank you for your comment.
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God Bless,
Gregg
feminist [ˈfɛmɪnɪst]
n
(Government, Politics & Diplomacy) a person who advocates equal rights for women
adj
(Government, Politics & Diplomacy) of, relating to, or advocating feminism
Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003
I do not accept the definition of feminism to be a woman who hates men with a deep, burning passion. Of course men can be feminists!! Feminism is like Christianity in that the above definition that I got from the dictionary of feminism is the starting point. The basic definition of a Christian is someone who has accepted that Jesus Christ is God and died for our sins to save us. Now think of a Methodist Christian compared to an IFB Christian.
Oh, this is gonna be good! :D As an artist, I find the human form in most of its permutations to be infinitely attractive. That being said, probably the overarching component of beauty in my mind is the spirit. I know people that the world would see as beautiful, whom I consider ugly because of their attitude and behavior, and vice versa. I see people who are either so thin or so overweight that they compromise their health, and that makes me sad. These people have a responsibility to themselves, the ones who love them, and (dare I say it) to God to keep themselves as healthy as they can. Other than that, it’s all about the spirit of the person for me. I look forward to reading the rest of the series.
def·i·ni·tion/ˌdefəˈniSHən/
Noun:
1: A statement of the exact meaning of a word, esp. in a dictionary.
2: An exact statement or description of the nature, scope, or meaning of something.
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Your definition of a feminist doesn’t meet the above criteria. Definitions are specific, exact, exclusive, and precise. Many dictionary definitions no longer do since they must make all definitions gender neutral these days — ironically, as a result of feminism. What is the opposite of feminism? An antonym for the word? A word that describes a generally male person who doesn’t feel men should be excluded simply by virtue of the fact that they are men? Having trouble thinking of a word that fits that definition? Isn’t that just a fair minded person of either gender.
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Radical feminism is a world view that focuses on the theory of “patriarchy” as a system of power which organizes society into a complex of relationships based on an assumption that “male supremacy” oppresses women. Radical feminism aims to challenge and overthrow patriarchy by opposing standard gender roles and oppression of women and calls for a radical reordering of society.Radical feminists have bombed, kidnapped, and murdered. Early radical feminism, arising within second-wave feminism in the 1960s, typically viewed patriarchy as a “transhistorical phenomenon” prior to or deeper than other sources of oppression, “not only the oldest and most universal form of domination but the primary form” and the model for all others. When I am discussing feminists, these are the women I am talking about.
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I’m afraid you have drawn a weak analogy in comparing Christianity which is a spiritual human phenomenon to feminism which is primarily a political human phenomenon.
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Thank you for your comment.
God Bless,
Gregg
I think the problem here is you are lumping feminism and radical feminism together. Can’t you see they are 2 totally different worldviews? Without the women’s movement, would women even have the vote? Be able to attend college? The antonym for feminism? Sexism.
BTW, I totally agree with your conclusions in your series. You have enlightened me about how and why some people are so anti-feminism. It seems you are anti-radical feminism. I have often wondered why there are entire groups of people devoted to anti-feminism. I had always suspected it was because they were upset that women had the vote, the choice to attend college, birth control, etc. Now I wonder if they are defining feminism as you are – anti-man. There are so many anti-man things in the world that have nothing to do with feminism. Look at the school system that is designed largely for a type of learning style that is more found in girls. Feminism has nothing to do with it.
I am nowhere near the debating powerhouse you are, Greg. I am a SAHM who enjoys Hallee’s homemaking tips. I only hope you can see feminism in a different light. In my mind, you and Hallee are totally feminists. While you see that biblically men and women have different roles (as do I), that doesn’t mean you want to ban women from making different choices, which might even be compatible with fulfilling the different roles (like going to college).
I don’t feel I am lumping Radical feminism in with feminism. I believe there is only Radical feminism. Otherwise normal human beings may have co-opted the more “tolerable” factors Radical feminism peddles as their platform in order to push their agenda, but that doesn’t make them feminists. It just makes them fooled into believing they are feminists.
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What I am telling you is that no reasonable, fair minded human being of either sex absent bigotry would object to another human being attending college. We’ve had the 19th Amendment since 1920 which was almost half a century before I was even born so I’m not sure fighting for the right of women to vote is a valid argument at this late date.
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The antonym for feminism would be something like masculinism. No such word exists. The antonym certainly would not be sexism since feminism as currently practiced IS a good definition of sexism.
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Our first unalienable right handed down from our Creator is that of life. (Life, liberty, chasing happiness.) You say you believe in “reproductive freedom.” Does that include tax payer funded support for abortion as a means of birth control? That would kind of imply that you have no concern for ANY of the rights of ANY unborn females. And abortion is very much a tenet of radical feminism.
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The reason that our schools are so anti-male is exactly because of the North American philosophical culture of misandry, and that culture is directly rooted in radical feminism.
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Don’t take my word for this. Do some research. I can recommend some books authored by biblical women.
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5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter, Feminine Appeal, Expanded Edition Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother, The Feminist Mistake: The Radical Impact of Feminism on Church and Culture, Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World.
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Again, thank you for commenting.
God Bless,
Gregg