The 5 Best Kept Christian Secrets to the Best Sex Ever: Part 1
Caution: This post consists of a rather frank and forthright discussion of human sexuality in the context of marital intimacy.
The number one important first of five best kept Christian sex secrets to the BEST SEX EVER is…
…is to remain sexually pure. Don’t misunderstand my meaning. Although it can involve acting in a way that is chaste, being pure does not equal abstinence Far from it. Purity is simply about removing any impurities from your sex life. The BEST SEX EVER is pure sex.
Inflected Form(s): pur·er; pur·est
Etymology: Middle English pur, from Anglo-French, from Latin purus; akin to Old High German fowen to sift, Sanskrit punati he cleanses, Middle Irish úr fresh, new
Date: 14th century
a (1) : free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes (2) : containing nothing that does not properly belong
b : free from moral fault or guilt
c : marked by chastity
Let’s talk about bread. White bread is made from flour that has been put through some pretty unnatural extremities, then packed with chemicals and preservatives, sweetened with high fructose corn syrup, and sometimes even bleached! As pure as a loaf of Blunder Bread may look, it tastes just about as good as shoe box cardboard. Then there is bread that is made from pure fresh milled grains, pure water, and sweetened with pure raw honey. That bread melts on your tongue and satisfies all of your senses. That is the difference that pure ingredients can make.
Are there any impurities in your sex life?
The mechanics of human relationships are fairly straightforward. It is common sense that women desire love and men desire respect. This is foundational to the Biblically defined roles of husbands and wives. God is all about common sense. After all, He invented it. It should come as no surprise, then, that the codified Christian sexual morality reinforces exactly these common sense dynamics in sexual relationships. (I Corinthians 7:3-4)
In Biblical terms, God commands husbands to love their wives so much that they love their wives more than their very own bodies. Men are to love their wives sacrificially and put a higher value on them than on any other thing in this world. Being loved that completely is the deepest need of every woman’s heart. (Ephesians 5:25)
Furthermore, God commands wives to respect their husbands and purposefully submit to their husbands’ leadership. The word “submit” in the original Greek is a military term. It has to do with duty. In terms of military leadership, when there is a captain and a sergeant, they are both talented, both worthy, and each has varying degrees of experience, knowledge, training, and skill. But the captain is in charge. While the sergeant is expected to offer good input and to aid and assist the captain, the captain is he who bears the full weight of responsibility for every decision of leadership. The sergeant is likewise, therefore, expected to execute the captain’s will. That is, to submit to the captain’s leadership, even when it may personally go against the grain. Being respected that completely is the deepest need of every man’s heart. (Ephesians 5:22)
In pure relationships, when wives respect their husbands on that level, what husbands feel is completely loved. Likewise, when husbands love their wives on that level, wives feel completely respected. There is a purity of expression in which each spouse can find their pure heart’s desire. Biblically, husbands and wives are directed to submit to each other in the ways that fulfill each other’s needs as a measure of respect to our Creator. (Ephesians 5:21) It is a perfect, pure, standoff between equals based on our deepest designed needs.
Trouble comes when impurities enter into the relationship.
Ladies, have you read some romance novels starring fictional barrel chested heroes who always manage to say and do the very things that make the heroines knees turn to water? Whose always minty fresh breath and “Goldilocks” kiss (not too hard and not too soft) always steals her very thoughts away, and who always picks up his socks, shows up early, laughs only when appropriate, never makes any embarrassing bodily noises, loves her cooking, hands her fresh picked flowers, is deeply interested in even the most mundane thought that flits through her mind, is not afraid to cry, loves her cat, closes the lid, and sends thank you cards to her mother? Are you bringing those kinds of imaginary and inhuman expectations into your human relationships? (Proverbs 12:4-5)
Gentlemen, have you watched commercial advertisements, television shows, and movies starring scantily clad, surgically enhanced, young enough to be your daughter, unblemished and unwrinkled little girls who find even the most reprehensible male behavior somehow worthy of respect? Who giggle at embarrassing bodily noises and bawdy jokes, praise male cruelty, and reward every disrespectful remark? Do these artificial female incarnations remorselessly and without any discernable restraint or good judgement hop from bed to bed, swapping partners nightly ala Sex-In-The-City as if playing a game of duck-duck-goose? Be honest. Have you feasted your eyes on much more objectifying material even than that? (Galatians 6:7-8)
It should be obvious to anyone alive that the BEST SEX EVER starts with a happy woman and a happy man. And so, the super secret Christian ingredient to the BEST SEX EVER should be readily apparent if given even a few seconds of actual thought and consideration. Why is it such a secret? Probably because the so called sex experts in our culture never actually mention purity. In fact, they prescribe impurity in order to cure “sexual slumps.”
AskMen.com cautions men that the main problem couples may have viewing pornography together is that the type of pornography enjoyed by men wouldn’t be a “turn on” for the women in their lives. They advise visiting a sex shop together “as a couple” to pick out mutually enjoyable pornography. This is very much like advising couples to pick out better tasting poison.
What about more reputable sexperts? How about WebMD?
“[It] turns out, men are pretty much hard-wired to like watching … other people having sex. Here’s why they do it — and why it’s probably ok.” — Matt McMillen, Why Men Like Porn, WebMD the magazine
Really? Probably okay to fantasize about having sex with other women? Probably okay for who, Matt? And, no, please don’t shake my hand.
“I sincerely believe porn has a therapeutic value for men, women, and couples.” — Dr. Ava Cadell, “sexologist” and, I’m afraid, total airhead.
Let me state something so obvious I fear I may have to yell “Duh!” Pornography is not good.
Pornography is a detractor, a subtracter, and a reducer. Pornography is not anything that will ever add to or enhance your REAL life sex life, as in the sex you have that involves another living breathing person other than yourself. When husbands view pornography, it has he net effect of making their wives feel unloved, which makes their wives unhappy. When men have unrealistic expectations of their wives as a result of pornographic fantasies, and their expectations are not met (which they almost never are) then it results in unhappy husbands.
Pornography is pretty much the definition of an obvious impurity in matters of sexual intimacy. (Psalm 24:3-5)
Obvious time again. First, it is simply not possible to have the BEST SEX EVER if you are alone. Sorry guys, but sitting alone in front of a computer “surfing” pornography is very, very far from enjoying the BEST SEX EVER with the living, breathing woman in your life. (Job 31:1; Job 31:9-11) And gals, fantasizing about some imaginary, mythical hero who can read your mind and satisfy every whim without you ever having to ask is very far from enjoying the BEST SEX EVER with the flesh and blood man in your life. (Proverbs 31:10-29)
Second, it is simply not possible to have the BEST SEX EVER if one or the other partner is unhappy. If a woman does not feel loved and if a man does not feel respected, this does not add up to happiness. It is the duty of a husband to forsake all others, including half-dressed actresses and models, and devote his eyes (Job 31:1) and his thoughts as well as all of the energy of his sexual desire exclusively to his wife (Proverbs 5:18-20). It is the duty of a wife to respect her own husband for the man he is, not for an imaginary man she may dream he could be. (Titus 2:3-5)
But if encouraging you to view pornography “as a couple” isn’t enough, the sexperts can further advise you to — commit adultery.
“[The] guilt seems manageable … They feel like they’ve got this wonderful, wonderful present, and it seems to solve all their problems…unconsciously they’re hoping that either the [adultery] itself or their spouse finding out … will make things more passionate in the [marriage] relationship.”
Mira Kirshenbaum, Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell, Time magazine
There are entire websites dedicated to giving advice on how to commit adultery without getting caught. There are also online “dating” services devoted to married men and married women who are actively seeking extramarital sexual encounters. The idea being, I suppose, that this will somehow get you to a place where you can have the BEST SEX EVER that doesn’t involve any kind of commitment.
I find myself in a position where I simply have to disagree with the sexperts on this score as well. I find it difficult not to be utterly amazed at the depth of the complete lack of common sense on the part of the so-called experts. The fact is that adultery is the very definition of an impurity, and committing adultery “enhances” your real sex life about as much as a brain tumor enhances your ability to think clearly. Husbands and wives are supposed to “cleave” to each other, which means “glued permanently together” as in inseparable, forever joined. (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7)
Set aside for a moment that God specifically prohibits adultery (Exodus 20:14; Deuteronomy 5:18; Matthew 5:27; Matthew 19:18; Luke 18:20; Romans 13:9) and step back to what we used to understand was common sense. In what possible reality can infidelity, unfaithfulness, breaking vows, breaking promises, not keeping your commitments, shattering trust, betrayal of spouse and children — how can any of that EVER be considered a positive thing? How can this be deemed a therapeutic or prescriptive activity that will solve any problem? Adultery will never result in the BEST SEX EVER. This simply defies common sense. It is, in a word, nonsense.
Purity of thought with respect to your spouse and only your spouse, purity of intention, and purity of heart are the ultimate aphrodisiac. Having pure thoughts about your spouse, and a purity of intentions, leads to purely good sex which is an essential ingredient to having the BEST SEX EVER.
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I have always believed that there are two types of sex. There is the purely physical act itself, and there is the deeply spiritual connection.
One can have sex without the emotional connection but it will be empty and meaningless, it will take the joy and passion out of sex. Having this sort of “sex life” can ruin what real sex is for a person.
I do not understand how people can have casual sex, the very idea of that baffles me to the core. Meaningless? Sex is the deepest way to connect to a person who you love more than your very self, how can this way of bonding so completely be meaningless?
I very much agree with what you have said about keeping sex pure. When you mix the really badly negative emotions into the partnership then this will be reflected in all aspects of that partnership. And when those negative emotions are in the most intimate areas of the relationship then it is the intamacy that will suffer.
Hallee, You always know how to keep things in perspective. It’s so sad that the way our society is today, it’s viewed as okay to watch porn. It’s also extremely sad the way adultery is frowned upon, but not ALWAYS looked down on. It’s seen as a person’s weakness… not as a downfall on themselves.
I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband, who still tells me I’m beautiful, even though I have 20 pounds to lose, had two kids and lots of stretch marks, and wears my hair in a ponytail most days because it’s just easier. He takes care of our family and loves being with us every moment that he is not working.
I also know in my heart of hearts, that he will NEVER commit adultery. He will never cheat on me, oogle other women instead of me, and will always be true to me in his heart.
I pray that every woman out there finds a man like my husband and your husband. Men who are loving, true, Christian and always faithful.
Mary: You would probably enjoy Mark Gunger’s Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. He is brilliant and hysterical. Gregg and I laughed until we were crying. At one point, he was talking about male orgasms. He said that there’s ejaculation, and there’s orgasm. Ejaculation is physical, and orgasm is physical, mental, spiritual, emotional. He said orgasm is when every single cell in your body holds hands with the cell next to it and yells “Hallelujah!”
Beautifully put, Kristina. Beautiful. Thank you.
Amen. Well said. Looking forward to reading the rest of the series.