Blessings from Above
I have a friend who is due with her second child any day. And by any day, I mean that we prayed her through the weekend because there was an event that she really wanted to attend.
She’s been heavy on my mind lately, because of her impending birth. I check Facebook statuses all the time and worry over her and pray for her.
The other night as I was working in the kitchen, Jeb was playing in the drawer that has all of the plastic bowls and I thought about her because she has a daughter who has a drawer in her kitchen. And as I cooked and prayed for her, I thought about the last couple of years for her and how hard they’ve been. Her father was diagnosed with brain cancer and fought diligently but went home to be with the Lord. Right before he died, she lost a baby, and right after he died, she lost a baby.
I am a very stoic person. I always have been. I don’t react emotionally to much of anything. In times of any kind of catastrophe or pain, I become extremely rational and very logical. When friends call me in a time of crisis or mourning, I don’t cry on the phone with them, I don’t wail and moan. I become very clipped and analytical. I’d like to say that I respond later, when the dust has settled, but most of the time, I don’t.
But just because I don’t have an outward reaction, doesn’t mean that the emotions don’t exist. My brain just channels them differently.
My friend called me right after the first baby died and I simply relayed my experiences with her. Johnathan was my 8th pregnancy. At 31 weeks, it was the second longest I’d ever been pregnant. During every single milestone I crossed, I celebrated. I’ve lost two babies at 6 weeks, one at 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, and Scott was born at 30 weeks.
As she went through this pregnancy and I thought about each milestone she passed, I wondered if she celebrated like me. I wonder if she held her breath as that week approached, at every doctor’s appointment before the ultrasound wand touched her stomach or the heartbeat monitor found the sound of that little heart just beating away – I wonder if she had that moment of panic that I had every single time.
I don’t mean to take anything away from you parents who have never had a bump in a pregnancy. That’s not my intent. But I think that when you have lost a child, no matter how far along you are, when get pregnant again and risk that journey and that pain all over again, I think that you really do appreciate it more.
I lost two babies before Kaylee was born. One at 6 weeks and one at 20 weeks. At 20 weeks, you’re halfway through your pregnancy. People have started giving you gifts, grandparents are pushing you for the names you’ve picked out, you’re debating whether you’re going to find out the sex. When that baby died, I didn’t even cry, I don’t think. The nurse cried. The doctor was upset. But I just took the information they gave me, made surgical arrangements, called people – in my typical fashion, I handled things and dealt with the details.
I accidentally got pregnant within a few weeks of that, and this beautiful wonderful absolute total blessing from God was given to me.
She was just a few months old when I got pregnant again. I lost that one at 10 weeks. That loss devastated me. Because, while I intellectually knew what I was losing before, now I emotionally knew what I’d lost. And while that was my fourth pregnancy, it was the first time I shed any tears.
When I was pregnant with Scott, I remember hitting every milestone and just praying. His birth, even at 30 weeks, was such an amazing miracle. Apparently, magnesium removes all of my stoicism and I was quite emotional the first two days after he was born (I don’t really remember any of it) at the overwhelming awesomeness of it – of this perfect little life who was struggling to breathe down the hall in the NICU.
And I wondered if people who don’t have problems with having children or pregnancies really KNOW how amazing the life is that God has handed them. It makes me wonder if they stop to consider just how precious and awesome and amazing our God is.
As I cooked and thought of all of these things, I wondered if my friend felt this deluge of emotions as she enters the final stretch in her pregnancy. If this moment means so much more to her now that she’s suffered such horrible losses this year. Not to say that the child will mean more than her daughter, but the knowledge of the journey garnered, for me at least, a greater appreciation for just how big this blessing from God is.
And I’m so very happy for her and for her family and I pray that her delivery will be smooth and easy and that she and her husband can hold that precious gift in their arms and know just how perfect God’s design is.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you…” – Jeremiah 1:5
Hallee
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I’m praying for her. After my girls were born at 30 weeks, I did celebrate every milestone with pregnancy with Will that went full term (39 weeks). It seemed so much longer. My heart really goes out to you in the losses that you have suffered. I used to be much more emotional about things, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become quite stoic myself.
I did cry … a lot. You see, my first two babies were “accidents.” I never intended to get pregnant, but did so, and had two amazing children. When I was with a man I truly loved with all my heart, I wanted to share the joys of parenthood with him. We lost our first baby, who would have been Scott’s age, at five weeks. We lost our second baby eight months later at six weeks. We lost our next baby at 9 weeks … after seeing him/her on an ultrasound in the emergency room after the threat happened. The heart was beating, the baby was moving. The ER staff told me everything would be fine. The baby died the next evening. Each time, I knew what I lost. I knew EXACTLY what I loss.
When I became pregnant again, I was numb. No joy. Of course, my pregnancy was a threatened miscarriage for the first several weeks. Talk about praying hard! We didn’t tell anyone at all until Week No. 10 when the high-risk specialists released us to our regular OBGYN.
Two years later, our little miracle Jackson reminds us all the time the power of prayer. And the power of patience, too. He’s a wild little booger!
Misty, I thought about you the entire time I typed this. :) I love you!
Well I am not stoic I have tears streaming down my face:) Al and I have been trying to get pregnant for two years. With Sarah I had only been married for 4 months, was still in college trying everything to not get pregnant; hadn’t missed a pill, taken it at a different time of day, taken any other medications or OTC’s that would have made the pill ineffective……….she was just meant to be. So I thought when I get remarried no problem……….boy was I wrong!!! Al is the most wonderful person and it breaks my heart each day that he has not had the opportunity to experience holding his newborn child (that is truly one of the most remarkable moments in life). I often struggle with why, and instead of being upset I have to place it in the Lords hands or it would only lead to bitterness. I see so many unwanted pregnancies, not just unexpected but truly unwanted. I see people that have no responsibility to themselves let alone the child that they so poorly raise and I ask why, why can’t someone who is so Christlike: loving, kind, unselfish etc. not experience the journey of parenthood from the beginning. When Al comes home we will try invitro and hopefully that works; twins would be a blessing because I am certainly not young anymore. Thanks for posting these thoughts Hallee:)
Wow, what a story you have. I am so sorry that it has been so hard for you to bring your babies even close to term. I have a cousin that has lost several babies in the last year, and she is devastated. I can’t even imagine.
As for parents that haven’t lost a child, yes we do understand what we hold in our hands. I have extremely difficult pregnancies, but none have resulted in lost babies. I was nearly lost in the process of two of my three pregnancies. And all of my children were born too early and had to spend the first month in the hospital.
I think that hardship during pregnancy does created a special bond with your children and with God, because you can see his hand in each of your children.
This was a fantastic post! I had stopped over from Wordless wednesday, and really enjoyed the visit. Thanks for sharing you story!
A pregnancy after loss *is* different.
I remember not trusting that I would have a baby until Thomas was born and placed on my chest. I couldn’t believe how absolutely perfect he was…the fact that he was conceived without our knowledge within days after a miscarriage proved that I had no control over anything.
The birth of a child after a loss magnifies the blessing one hundred fold, IMO. And for what it is worth, my favorite Bible passage during my pregnancy with Thomas was chapter 15 in the book of John.
May God continue to bless your friend. :)
Wow Hallee, this was amazing. I too miscarried at 6 weeks Sept of 05, luckily for me I was able to get pregnant again with Elizabeth a couple months later. I remember being at the 6 week mark and I started bleeding again, and I was so afraid to lose the baby. I went immediately to my doctor and was able to see that my numbers were up and I believe it was also the firs t ultrasound I was able to get. I was very vigilate in taking care of myself then. With Danica, Im sure you guys remember, she was a total suprise and I wasn’t ready for another baby, seeing I had a newborn at home and an ill husband. The second I saw her I remember just crying and just thanking God he had given me to her. I remember my mom telling me the reason Danica was here was because God saw fit to have her here so Elizabeth wouldn’t be lonely and because I needed her. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes because I have always felt guilty about not giving her the same care I did for Elizabeth when I was pregnant. I live with so many regrets and every time I see her I realize I truly amd one of the luckiest persons alive because I was so blessed
Hallee, thanks for sharing your story. I’m so surprised to hear that you’re not an emotional person in real life because I find your blogs so full of emotion.
I have to admit that I’ve not lost a baby…or at least I don’t know. There was one possible pregnancy between my last two, but it was so early that we weren’t even sure. That was very difficult for me, but I’m sure not nearly as much as it would have been if I’d carried for several weeks. Unlike you, though, I am a VERY emotional person and by nature I’m always fearful of the worst. Because I’ve tormented myself going over everything that could have gone wrong, I can honestly say that I have deeply cherished and thanked God for my overwhelming blessings every day. I don’t know why we’ve been so blessed to be so fertile, able to carry to term, and have perfectly healthy babies. There have been so many times I’ve gotten on my knees in tears just thanking God that He saw fit to give us these gifts when we don’t deserve them. I cannot imagine my life without these guys.
I love your heart and reading your feelings toward your friend’s pregnancy. How blessed she is to have a friend who is so actively praying for her. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure so much loss. My heart aches for you. I’m so happy, though, that you know the LORD and that you’ll get the chance to reunite with those sweet babies someday.
I have lost a baby at 5.5 weeks. Yes… it was a very early loss, but a loss none the less. And yes, I celebrated that milestone with the two subsequent pregnancies. I have also celebrated making it past week 12, 24, 36, and every other one in between! This time around, I’ve celebrated the passing of time with NOT visiting L&D 4 times before going in to be induced! I’ve only been once this time around! Now, here I am… ready to have a repeat c-section tomorrow morning at 8am. I’m so excited to meet this baby girl of ours already!
Yet a part of me still misses that very first baby. Always will.
Thank you Hallee for sharing your experience. I truly believe that you have multiple angels looking down on you from heaven now!!! You must need a lot of looking after! :)
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Like you, I have had very difficult pregnancies and miscarriages. I was on bed rest and experienced preterm labor with Brittani only to have her 3 weeks early. We had at least 2 very early miscarriages between my 1st and 2nd child. I didn’t even realized that’s what they were until the doctor explained that what I had experienced were early miscarriages. Then it took 3 years to get pregnant with Caleb only to have my water break at 22 weeks and be told we were losing him. God had different plans though. I stayed in the hospital on bed rest to the AMAZEMENT of the medical team for 7 1/2 weeks and deliverd a 2.6lb baby boy at 29 weeks. He was in the hospital for 9 weeks. After that horrifying experience we were DONE. Again, God had different plans. We became pregnant with a twin pregnancy. Everything was going good until around 10 weeks I was told we were losing one twin and we would not only be high risk because of my previous pregnancy but also because of the miscarriage. God kept our baby boy safe and I delivered an almost 9lb baby boy at 38 weeks. GOD IS GOOD!
I celebrated every week with my last pregnancy and was thrilled to make it one more day. Having been thru such difficult pregnancies has shown me how even more amazing these little MIRACLES are that God has allowed us to take care of. Children are a gift from God and are to be treated as such.
Jessica
Thank you for sharing this Hallee. I have 2 grand children in heaven waiting for me. I know how special this writting is and for you to share it with others is a very precious gift. I think I will share this with my heavens angels mommy! I know it will touch her heart even more than it did mine! Jesus loves all children and so he does take some home to complete the heavens. Without them the heavens lack so much beauty . For it is a childs smile that makes a day complete. Yes I believe this is so , even in heavens gates!
Hallee,
Thank you for sharing. I, too, have had many miscarriages (15). I have 7 healthy children, too. 5 years ago I was pregnant with twins and my water broke at 30 weeks. They were born by c-section, and while nurses were caring for them in the OR, one of them died. He was a healthy baby (although only 3 lb. 10 oz.), and it was some sort of human error that caused his death. The other twin spent 7 weeks in NICU, me driving 1 hour each way every day to spend time with him, while my other children went to friends’ homes for the day.
As I drove home from the hospital after the doctor gave us the autopsy results of human error, I cried and prayed. Should we sue the hospital for malpractice? Should we find out which nurse was working on our son and potentially have her lose her nursing license…at the very least make sure that she not attend to our other son in the NICU? God spoke to me (not audibly, but it was obvious to me that He was speaking to me) and said, “I know who caused my Son’s death, and I still love you.” I realized that since the Creation, God knew exactly what would happen to our son, and He still allowed it. He is sovereign and all I can do is trust Him.
Wow — thank you for sharing that.