Being a Good Friend
I’m not a great friend.
Really, I’m not.
The worst part about it, though, is that I have terrific friends. I have the best friends and I could call any one of them and they’d be here in a heartbeat.
I have spent the better part of three years being alone with three children. I can’t even take a shower without leaving the door open to listen for them, or to leave the shower curtain half open so that the kids can come in and out of the bathroom. What that’s done to me is to make me crave being alone, since being alone is something I rarely get to be.
I went shopping for an Easter dress several weeks ago and had a babysitter while I did it, so I was able to go to the mall. Alone. For hours. Alone. While I was out, I saw a dress that would be absolutely perfect for a friend of mine. I even pulled my phone out to call her and for some reason put the phone back. When I saw her the next day, she said she was going to go shopping and wanted to know where the dress was. I couldn’t remember the store, but was able to describe it for her. It occurred to me then that I should have asked her to go shopping with me – we would have had so much fun.
I need a pair of shoes that would liven up a very boring dress. That same night, as I searched store to store, I thought of another friend who would know exactly where to go and the exact shoes I needed for the dress. I didn’t call her, either, but when I saw her at church the next day she rattled off the name of a few shoe stores I should try and I thought, “I should ask her to go shoe shopping with me,” but I didn’t. I need to, but just thought of it again while typing this.
A friend of mine bought a Kitchenaid stand mixer, and since Christmas I’ve had an extra bowl sitting here to give to her. And every time I see her, I say, “Oh – I have that bowl.” It’s almost a joke now.
Another friend of mine loves to come over for dinner. I love having her. Entertaining friends and feeding them is my favorite thing to do. But in the last few years, without having Gregg home to extend the invite and constantly make plans to entertain, I just don’t. So this friend reads my menu and when she sees something she likes, she lets me know what night she’ll come over. And I love it when she’s here – we have the best visit. But she shouldn’t have to invite herself over to my house. I should constantly be on top of inviting her. I just don’t.
The other day, my phone rang and I recognized the number. My best friend from seventh grade was calling. Some of you may not think having a friend from the seventh grade is a big deal, but you forget that I’m an Army brat. Since seventh grade, I’ve lived in five states. I don’t have any other friends (even on Facebook – haha) from middle school. We have daughters born a few weeks apart. We were divorced the same year, remarried within a year, and have both remarried amazing, wonderful, perfect men. Then we had sons born two days apart. We could live next door to each other and never get tired of it (and there was a time she and Gregg each talked about applying for jobs at NASA, and we had this fun fantasy play out about buying a Florida duplex). We go months without talking only because she’s insanely busy and I’m always afraid of calling her and bothering her. She’s one of the few people left in the world who doesn’t use social media, so she’s out of the loop with me on that as well.
The problem is that I get so caught up in Hallee. I have this lifestyle that requires hands-on food prep. I have this blog that requires hours a week. I have my writing that consumes my thoughts even when I’m not at the computer in a stolen hour typing away. I have three kids who don’t have their dads here and who need me all the time. I have my own volunteer work several hours a week. I have to arrange time to communicate with my husband, stop what I’m doing when the phone rings or when I hear an instant message go off on the computer. I have amazing friends, and what happens is that I get all mentally, physically, and spiritually caught up in ME, that I let my friends’ lives just slide by.
I think about them all the time. I just don’t do anything about it. Well – when a friend crosses my mind, I pray for her, without fail. Beyond that, I should drop cards in the mail, emails on the computer, quick phone calls. I should invite them over, make shopping plans, make dinner plans. Bake a loaf of bread I promised to bake or have her over to bake bread with me.
But for the last three years, I’ve found myself in this stasis of “when Gregg comes home”. THREE YEARS. So much life has gone on around me and in my friends’ lives in three years, but still I think, “Well, when Gregg comes home, I’ll be able to –.” I shouldn’t have done that. I should have figured out how to incorporate my friends into my life that didn’t involve my husband planning dinners or encouraging me to call someone or planning weekend trips to my best friend’s house. I think isolating myself is one of my coping mechanisms for this lifestyle, but this is the kind of lifestyle that requires that I not isolate myself.
I need to re-teach myself how to be as good of a friend as my friends are to me. Because they deserve a better friend than they’ve gotten.
Hallee
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I am crying for you… and I love you unconditionally. I am also an imperfect friend and should have come over more and told you to let me have the boys for a play date for a few hours so you could have some alone time. You are a great friend, but like all of us we get caught up in our life. Again I love you and thank God above for you every day.
I am not a good friend most of the time. I was the one who got married and had a baby before anyone else and that changes things. I also am busy… not that they aren’t, but it’s hard. I’ve never thought of it like how you said it is the only alone time you get sometimes and you crave that. That is me! Anyways, thanks for the reminder that I should become a better friend. It’s nice to have friends… sometimes it is just really hard (at least for me) to balance that with time with my husband and daughter. Have a great day!
Oh I feel this post I do! I am always caught up with “when things get back to normal.” Like when is that going to happen? With 4 young children (3, 4 and under) I keep saying things will get better and easier when they get older. And although I know it will be easier to chat with a mom friend at a playdate when my kids are more independent…it doesn’t mean I should avoid it so much now! We are moving to a new state in 2 weeks and I am determined to show people what a good friend I can be (also a good friend-maker since I know NOBODY there!) :)
Thanks for this post Hallee…it meant a lot today!
What a sweet post. I think it’s great that you can see what you need to work on. I’m sure you will improve over time, and your friends will be so blessed to have you “back”. I know *I* feel blessed having you as an “internet” friend because I can feel that you care for me anytime we chat. I’m sure your “real life” friends feel the love and understand your position even though you haven’t been able to show it. Social relationships are hard in normal circumstances, let alone in a special one like yours. Big love and hugs.
Love you, my good friend! You had FABULOUS shoes, by the way! ((hugs))
I love you too.
I was on the phone with Gregg, after wearing said fabulous shoes to the wedding last weekend. They were so painful, even the bottoms of my feet hurt. He said, “Go get different shoes.” I said, “I can’t – these are brand new.”
I walked out of my bedroom and there was Cybil, eating my new shoes.
Gregg said, “Problem solved. Call Kelli and go buy new shoes.”
I love my husband.
It’s simply providential then, isn’t it? We must go shoe shopping. Laughed really, really hard. You were right!
Your writing is so AMAZING, Hallee, I love reading it. This says a lot from someone like me (like you) who has VERY little time to read extra stuff!
And I am very thankful you are my friend, I think you are wonderful. But here’s the thing. I’m the same as you, and so are my friends – we ALL know what the deal is, we’re ALL running crazy trying to do it all. We do make time now and then, but never as much as we’d like. The time will come later when our kids aren’t so young. So I love that between my friends and I there is no guilt. We all “get it” and even if we don’t talk for a while, we know that we are still great friends, would do anything for each other, and will have more time for get-togethers when the season in our life permits it! :)
Kel
Hallee, I can so relate. I also have some wonderful friends, but I don’t seem to be the best friend back to them. I, like you think of them and pray for them, but I don’t take the time to pick up the phone, send a text, send a card, etc. like I should. I always plan to but I let life and myself get in the way. Like you, I love time to myself, which I often don’t get. My husband is home all the time in the evenings on weekends, and I never get just time to myself. So when I do, happen to get anytime to myself, I soak it up, rather than think of my friends who would probably enjoy doing something together. So, Hallee, I can really relate. I let myself feel bad about it at times and think I am the worst friend ever. It’s comforting to know that I am not the only one that struggles being a “good” friend. Thank you for being so open and sharing from your heart. God bless you.
Stop beating yourself up. I have a book I’ve wanted to send you that has your name on the package and is wrapped so well you’ll have a hard time getting into it, but since I lost my address book I’ve needed to contact you and get your address again. Can you email it to me?
I love you and Gregg and the kids, but so much is going on that actually contacting you gets put off, especially since I can read about your life here.
Each of us needs time to ourselves to stay sane. You’ve paid your dues.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hallee}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
This post (and the comments) really resonated with me. I think we all feel this way to some degree, especially in the thick of child rearing. I still have my sister’s Christmas present from two years ago wrapped up to mail to her — I just always forget it when I go to the post office (I managed to get this year’s out but forgot to include the old one!). Life is life, and your real friends understand. And those of us in the internet world appreciate your thoughts and the time you give to us!!
I really relate to this post. As a mother, I rarely get time alone. I sacrifice my sleep to get time alone. And I have a lot of good friendships that have suffered due to my need for time alone. I always have fun and enjoy my time with my girlfriends. Its always very refreshing. But I CRAVE time alone. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!