Lies Women Believe About Priorities – Addendum
I wanted to address another topic within chapter 5 of Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets them Free. There was so much meat in this chapter, that it was really impossible to keep it all to one post.
As I thought about it, I decided the best thing to do is just give you an excerpt from the chapter:
Statistics indicate that the gender gap has narrowed dramatically in matters of hiring practices, pay scales, and educational opportunities – results that activists have worked long and hard to achieve. But, what about the unintended consequences of this newfound freedom? Whoever expected that we would have to live with such things as…
- pressure placed on women by their peers to “do more” than be “just a wife and mother”;
- the status of a “homemaker” being devalued as something less than that of a serf;
- millions of infants and toddlers being dropped off at day care centers before daylight and picked up after dark;
- millions of children coming home from school to empty houses or being relegated to after-school child care programs;
- mothers giving their best energy and time to persons other than their husbands and children, leaving those women perpetually exhausted and edgy;
- families that seldom sit down and have a meal together;
- children subsisting on frozen dinners and fast food eaten on the run;
- emotional and physical affairs being fanned by married women spending more quality time with men at work than they do with their own husbands;
- women gaining enough financial independence to free them to leave their husbands;
- women being exposed day after day to coarse language and behavior and sexual innuendos in the workplace;
- women who don’t have the time or energy to cultivate a close relationship with their children and who end up permanently estranged from their grown children;
- children spending countless hours being entertained b videos, TV, electronic games, and computers;
- inadequately supervised children becoming exposed to and lured into pornography, alcohol, drugs, sex, and violence;
- elderly parents having to be placed in institutions because their daughters and daughters-in-law are working full time and can’t manage their care.
In determining our priorities as Christian women, we must first ask: Why did God make women? What is His purpose and mission for our lives? The Word of God provides women of every generation and culture with the Truth about our created purpose and primary role and calling. When we embrace The Truth and establish our priorities and schedules around it, we experience true liberation.
In Genesis 2:18, we find the first and clearest statement of why God created the woman:
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
There you have it – God created woman to be a helper to the man – to complete him, to be suited to his needs. Her life was to center on his, not his on hers. She was made from the man, made for the man, and given as God’s gift to the man. Her relationship with her husband was the first and primary sphere in which she was to move and serve. Her husband was responsible to work to provide for their material needs. She was to be his helper and companion in reflecting the image of God, taking dominion over the earth, and reproducing a Godly seed.
The reason that I quoted this instead of just paraphrasing it, is because it sums up almost perfectly my feelings and opinions on the subject. I don’t think I could have more simply stated it.
I’m curious as to what your opinion is about it, or about what Nancy said in this quote. Do you agree or disagree with her? In whole or in part?
Hallee
I’m so grateful for your visit, today.
You would bless me if you added me to your 
feed reader or subscribed 
via email.
You can also become a fan on 
Facebook or follow me on 
Twitter. I would love to see more of you!
I basically agree with it and would like to add that by a lot of my friends and family, especially my mom who has worked all her life and had been in and out of relationships, I’m looked down on because I’m “bowing down” to my husband. That I’m in an “abusive relationship” because HE decided I should stay home… Completely ignoring the part where I’ve said WE discussed it while I was pregnant and came to an agreement together because of many of the issues listed on here. =/ Or that I’m not doing right by my child because he doesn’t have everything new because we stretch our dollar and get by on one income…
While I agree that the situations listed are not good for the family, I have a slightly different perspective on women who work outside the home and whether the woman staying home is the ONLY solution. And let me preface my comments with the fact that (for reasons that will become clear) I have utmost respect for those who stay home to care for their families and homes.
Now my personal situation is a little different. I work outside the home in a fairly demanding full-time career, while my husband is the stay-at-home parent. We have 2 kids, a 5 year old biological son and a 2 year old foster/soon-to-be-adopted daughter, and another son on the way.
How we came to the decision was a long and prayerful one. My husband and I met in high school and were married halfway thru college. We both completed our degrees and went on to graduate school. Throughout this time we were both praying and seeking God’s will for our lives. The Lord created me with strong aptitudes in science and math, and through seeking His will I attended college and graduate school on full scholarships and was presented with a career position in my chosen field right out of grad school.
Meanwhile, my husband, who is gifted with languages and drawn to theology, got his degree in history with minors in Classics and Judaic Studies and went on to seminary where he has since completed 2 master’s degrees in Biblical Studies. He reads Greek and Hebrew and is only a dissertation away from his Ph.D. But earlier this year told me he felt he was done with school for a while. No job opportunities have presented themselves and he returned to caring for the children and home full-time (our son was in preschool and now kindergarten and our daughter was in care while he was in class).
Even if a job opportunity for him did present itself, we would have to prayerfully consider him taking it because by the nature of our fields–that we believe God led us to–I will always make 3-4 times as much per year. Yes, we can live on one income (we are doing so) but that income is mine and will almost certainly remain so.
It doesn’t mean I devalue my husband or that I dominate our relationship or home. He remains the spiritual leader, all finances are joint and all decisions are discussed and agreed on mutually. Believe me, living with a Bible scholar, we are very aware of the Biblical implications for marriage and do our best to follow them. We also try to eat well and have dinners as a family and value our relationships and time with our kids.
I guess what I am getting at is that while I do not agree with the emerging cultural mindset that relegates homemakers to “lesser” status, I think it’s also possible for some who feel called to that to in turn look down on working mothers as somehow “missing the mark.” Every situation is different, but it is impossible to tell from the outside whether a family who has made different choices from the observer’s may in fact be seeking God’s will and doing what they feel is best for their family.
I feel completely at peace at my decision to be a stay-home mom. My job is to care for my children (I’d love to homeschool, but husband disagrees, so they’re all in public schools), make my home a place where my family wants to be, make nutritious and healthy foods for a sit-down dinner (and often breakfast and lunch when we’re all home) and focus on volunteering at church, school and saving money in whatever way I can.
My husband often wishes I’d get a full-time job because we could earn so much more money. I have an elementary teaching degree, but when I’ve tried teaching (every grade pk-6 in 4 different schools for 4 years) it doesn’t work. I’m stressed out, the house is a disaster, the kids have no discipline or direction, we eat junk, etc. He’s never demanded it of me or even asked me to work, but occasionally makes comments about how he wishes we had more money or if I worked we could get ____ or do ____.
I heard Michelle Duggar state the other day when asked why she’d put herself at risk by getting pregnant again and she quoted John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” I enjoy sacrificing a bit to care for those God has entrusted to me. I feel it is my duty, my calling and my privilege to show my family that they are more important to me than money, career, power, position, etc. I applaud those women who stay home to care for their family. I’ve never met a family who actually needs two incomes as they say they do. Usually they place their own entertainment (cable/satellite, going out, etc.) above their family and this creates that “need” for two incomes. I’m going to continue to be a homemaker, be proud of my role and encourage others to do the same. I willingly lay down my own desires and life to put my God and my family first.
As a working mom, this just sits kind of wrong with me. The first bullet point states “pressure
placed on women by their peers to “do more” than be “just a wife and mother”;” No one has pressured me to “do more” and to suggest that I’m less of a wife and mother because I choose to work is just wrong.
Although being “just a wife and mother” is ideal for some, for me it is not. First and foremost is the financial portion of it. We’d live on the street without a double income. We live in a modest house, have one car payment, don’t take fancy vacations, and live within our means. Yet, without both incomes we’d be unable to survive.
My daughter attends preschool and prior to preschool she went to a private in home care provider. Ideally my husband and I would prefer that one of us take care of her, but since that’s not an option we’ve done our homework and placed her in the very best care with the very best providers who love and take care of her in our absense. And she’s grown so much outside of our care. Grown in her love of God, grown in her love of her community and wanting to help others and grown in her personal relationships not only with her providers but with other children her age too. I’m fortunate that my job allows me flexibility in my schedule so that I can work at Avery’s school and help with the schools ministry of the children.
Our meals are homecooked with very little processed and/or frozen foods and our meals are served at the table, distraction free. We join in prayer daily, not only together but separately as well. Weekends are our time together. We all work for the good of the home so that its not one persons responsiblity and that gives us much more time to spend together as a family.
Working outside of the home allows me so much more than an income. It provides me with adult interaction that I truly enjoy. It allows me to build meaningful relationships with my customers and minister to them, sometimes in big ways, sometimes in small ways. It allows me to do what I do best everyday and come home with a sense of accomplishment.
I took six months off of work to see if I could be a SAHM. During that time, Tim felt overburdened and was extremely stressed, often feeling like he wasn’t providing enough and he had to work more to make our life more comfortable. And that made me feel awful for him. I prayed faithfully and God provided a job to me that works for our family.
While many of the points listed are valid for some, they are not for those of us who value our husbands, children, career and God.
My family doesn’t really want any more of my “homecooked dinners.” They feel that the burnt and crusty parts could be carcinogenic.
I should probably have qualified that I also believe that when God has specific plans for women that go against the norm, or go against His design, then He equips them. I’ve no doubt that you are one of those women. Even with God, there can be exceptions to the rule. For instance: “Only priests can eat the show bread in the temple.” Well, unless you’re David and your army is starving, then you can eat the show bread, because the preservation of life takes precedent over the Law, etc.
I think that it is important to remember that God has a plan for all of us. Some of us has the personality to be a SAHM and others may not. I am a SAHM, I enjoy it. I believe that it is my calling. It was a decison that my husband and I made together. I also think that there is pressure on both sides. For moms that work to say home with the kids and SAHM’s to work more so in this econmy.
I agree with some of what’s there, but I think it paints a sort of false either-or picture of working and raising children.
I’ve felt really blessed to find a job where “full time” means a two-day-per-week, 9:30-4:30 commitment. I was able to complete my MA and PhD through teaching fellowships – hooray for no debt! This year is the first time we’ve relied on an outside caregiver for children – my youngest goes to an on-campus care facility (full of young, enthusiastic new student teachers alongside their more experienced permanent colleagues – all of whom LOVE my little boy despite his tendency to create chaos) where I drop in to have lunch and afternoon snack with him. I still manage the cleaning, bill-paying, homework-supervising/supplementing, and make our meals largely from scratch (though I’m impressed that you make your own crackers and pasta – this is beyond me). And I’m convinced that teaching has saved me from post-partum depression, generally making me appreciate my children (I always say they’re the best part of my day) when under other circumstances my personality might not be inclined to do so.
Depending on the circumstances, I think it’s possible to do both. I probably couldn’t do what I do at home if I were working at some high-power law or investment firm….but teaching fits me and our life well. And makes my daughter want to go to college (which makes me happy)!
All that said, I would NEVER say that a woman who is a stay-at-home mom is “just” a mother. There’s no “just” about that role. It’s soul-consuming, in a good way. Plain and simple. :-)
I disagree with many of the points and would particularly like to point out that this is an idealistic view that does not take into account women’s likelihood to be abandoned by their husbands, be abused by their husbands (which will make it NECESSARY to become financially independent in order to leave and raise children alone), and much greater chances for women to live in poverty. It also simplifies and glorifies the past, painting an incomplete picture of what women’s lives were like prior to gender equality movements. This is not to say that everything is perfect now; admittedly, it is not. However, I strongly disagree that every woman’s place is in the home. And there are reasons that make it necessary for women to be outside the home. The best thing we can all do is to allow each woman to make her contribution to the world. We are all imperfect beings, but we all have something to contribute. None is better or worse than the rest simply because they choose to stay at home or work outside the home.
If women did not work, we would have a lot less teachers and nurses in the world. Not to sound sexist, but those are careers that are primarily filled by women.
I think it would only be hypocritical if she were doing all of those things while being married with children – and there ARE Christian authors and speakers who do just that.
Why do you say it’s likely that women will be abused or abandoned or live in poverty?
I’d also like to add that Nancy Leigh DeMoss is not married, has never been married, and so has no personal experience with the strains and demands of supporting a family. She also gets to have a somewhat glamorous career as an author, speaker, radio-show host who guilts women into feeling like lesser moms when they don’t stay home full time. It seems a bit… hypocritical?
Hello Halle, just found your blog and I can’t help but comment on this topic. I’m a full time working mum(of two grown sons). I have managed to balance work and home successful for a number of years and can say with completely honesty my family haven’t suffered as a consequence. They have always had homecooked meals (from scratch), my house is kept in order, I like to make bread and have a range of crafty hobbies. I selected places of employment that have flexiable working conditions that allow me to take time off when necessary eg if my children are sick or need my help in any way. The Lord blessed me with my current career that has allowed all of this to work. Sadly there are some SAHMS that see things only in black and white and that is being at home and forget that working mums can make it work. The Bible does not forbid women for working but Gods Word does say that our husbands and children must not be neglected, mine aren’t.
As to a few of the points mentioned – I work in an environment that is very pleasant and if I didnt like the language I would say something. Women are very capable of saying no. Women aren’t earning an income so they can leave their husbands, I have no idea why De Moss thinks this.