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The Power of a Praying Wife: Chapter 4 – His Sexuality

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ~1 Corinthians 7:4-5

I don’t know that we as women give the differences in men and women’s brains and thinking enough credit.  We feel.  We feel deeply.  When your husband writes you a love letter, it likely fills your heart to overflowing.  His words likely awaken a romanticism inside of you, make you go all soft and gushy inside, give you words to focus on, ponder, adore. It can make you fall in love with him all over again.

And, whether you can understand his brain or not, willing and enthusiastic sex with you, his wife, will give him the exact same feelings and security and love within his heart that a beautiful flowing love letter will give to you.  Sex is his connection to you.

Openness and emotional trust are what bonds our marriages.  And sex is what builds a man’s emotional trust.  One of the greatest threats to a man’s self worth is the rejection of sexual advances.  And as Stormie says in this chapter, simply being too worn out for sex is considered a rejection, despite how logical it seems to you.

Mark Gungor (Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage) says:

Sex was designed by God to be the single greatest force to bring a husband and wife together. If you aren’t having sex, you end up with all this separation and tension in the relationship and if you don’t fix it, it can eventually destroy the marriage.  You must find a way to deal with it. You have to find a way to make this work.  Not having sex with your spouse is not right; in fact, it is blatantly wrong and the Bible is very, very crystal clear about it.

In The 5 Sex needs of Men & Women, Dr. Gary Rosenberg says that the top 5 sex needs of a woman are:

  1. Affirmation
  2. Connection
  3. Non-Sexual Touch
  4. Spiritual Intimacy
  5. Romance

As a woman, it’s very easy for me to read this list and understand it, comprehend the importance of each item, and agree that that is probably typical.

Here are the top 5 sex needs of a man:

  1. Mutual Satisfaction
  2. Connection
  3. Responsiveness
  4. Initiation
  5. Affirmation

I think as women, some of this list may surprise us.  A man doesn’t want to have sex just so he can attain release.  A husband wants to have sex with his wife so that he can connect with her, satisfy her, be affirmed by her.

My body is my love letter to my husband.  Within it, he feels the security of my love, he feels safe to express his love, he feels affirmed in our love.  When I deny him and reject him, it is not a rejection of the verb sex – it is a rejection of him, of his love, of his desire and he will feel unloved.

If you haven’t already done so, read chapter 4 and consider the following discussion questions.  The comments are turned off for this chapter, and the discussions will take place at the forum, Hallee’s Daily Brew, by following this link. I understand that this is a hugely personal topic.  If you are not comfortable sharing your answers, please prayerfully consider them privately for yourself.

1.  The first time that I read this book, I was married to my first husband and Kaylee was maybe a year old.  It was published in 1997, which is the year that Kaylee was born — so I know she was at least 1 or 2.  I remember studying this chapter, and in the small group being amazed, amazed at the acknowledgment by the other wives in that group at how rarely they had sex with their husbands.  I could not even conceive a husband who would allow days to go by without sex, much less months.  According to Mark Gungor, a couple who have sex 10 times a year or less is considered to be in a sexless marriage, and that a healthy man with no sexual hangups or addictions should want sex no less than every 3-4 days.  Do you feel your sexual relationship with your husband is good, not good, or somewhere in between?  Regardless of what it is now, write a prayer asking God’s covering over it and blessing on it.

2.  If your husband is at the top of your priority list under God (where he should be), is the sexual aspect of that relationship a top priority.  If it hasn’t been, what are the reasons for that (illness, marital strife, financial worry, emotional stress, lack of interest, busy schedule, children, exhaustion, etc.)?  Write a prayer asking God to help you make any changes necessary in order to make your sexual relationship with your husband the priority it should be.

3.  1 Corinthians 7:4-5 says, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”  Are you sexually available for your husband at his request?  Is he available for you?  Is the frequency with which you come together mutually agreed upon?  Have you kept yourself from being available to him when you could have done otherwise?  Write a prayer asking God to help both of you be in complete unity about this aspect of your relationship.  Confess any times you kept yourself from your husband when you could have done otherwise.

4.  Men crave affirmation, and they receive affirmation by sex with their wives.  If a man does not receive that affirmation from his wife, one domino may fall (masturbation, pornography, etc.), and another and another, until it may be possible that he will unwittingly get caught up in an affair with someone who does provide that affirmation.  Has your husband ever been tempted toward infidelity?  Have you?  Has that temptation ever been acted upon?  If yes, how has this affected the way in which you relate to each other?  If no, how do you keep yourselves from temptation? Write a prayer asking for God to protect you both from infidelity.

5.  I remember reading years ago a book published in 1945 as a guide for new wives.  My grandmother received it from the county clerk the day that she and my grandfather applied for their marriage license in 1947.  Within this guide, in the daily to-do tasks for the wife, it said to take a nap in the afternoon so that the wife will be refreshed for her husband’s homecoming in the evening.  It also said that she should freshen up right before he gets home – making sure that her clothes are clean, her makeup is fresh, her hair is combed.  It made me smile when I read it, and as I type this, it makes me long to have a husband who came home at night.  Do you keep yourself sexually attractive to your husband?  Do you try to stay healthy, fit, clean, fragrant, attractively attired, and restedIs there anything you can do to improve yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

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