The 5 Best Kept Christian Secrets to the Best Sex Ever: Part 5
This post concludes the series. If you missed or skipped a post, you can click here.
Caution: This post consists of a rather frank and forthright discussion of human sexuality in the context of marital intimacy.
The number five important fifth of five best kept Christian sex secret to the BEST SEX EVER is…
Marriage
…is to be in a state of holy matrimony, as in genuinely married. I am talking about exchanging vows and committing to each other as husband and wife for the rest of your days here on earth. Not living together. Not dating. Not going steady. Not being sex “partners.” Not engaged to be married at some future date. I am talking about being in a state of holy matrimony — genuinely MARRIED.
You may have some doubts. You may ask, “Isn’t it possible to have the BEST SEX EVER without being married to the person you have sex with?” And the short answer is … No.
No way, no how. It is completely impossible.
In spite of this common sense answer, there are thousands of ways sexperts try to convince us to disrespect sexuality within the sanctity of the marriage union. To be plain, genuine marriage involves exactly two adult members of the same species and of the opposite sex who commit to love and honor each other for the entirety of their mortal lives. Anything else is not genuine, not a lifelong commitment, more about selfish gratification than sharing in a holy union, and not sanctified. All rhetoric aside, all invalid comparisons put to rest, all silly allegories and “politically correct” rationalizations dismissed, this definition of what is genuine marriage is just plain common sense.
Speaking of common sense, it is a qualifiable and quantifiable fact that if you are having sex outside of the boundaries of genuine marriage, you are never ever going to have the BEST SEX EVER. The BEST SEX EVER requires the permanency of exclusivity and lifelong commitment.
Another of the most visible means of disrespecting the sanctity of marriage is by perpetuating the myth that “most” men dream of group sex encounters. This myth is also beginning to creep into the arena of women as well. “Women commonly think about a threesome or group sex.” says Ava Cadell, Ph.D, sexpert.
According to the Sex in America study which sampled thousands of average Americans, the myth of some innate desire for group sex encounters on the part of a “majority” of people is patently false. Among Christians, particularly, according to two definitive studies conducted by Doctor Archibald Hart, Ph. D and published in The Sexual Man and The Secrets of Eve, it is not only completely false, but apparently entirely baseless.
The truth is that many, many studies have confirmed what the Biblical view implies. Specifically, that becoming “one flesh” with one partner provides the best setting for satisfying sexual intimacy, and intimacy is a main ingredient to having the BEST SEX EVER. Common sense dictates that sex is neither a spectator sport for group indulgence nor an event to test a person’s ability to “score” with multiple partners. Sex is a deeply personal activity shared by two human beings, not an Olympic event.
Casual sex, as a way to prove one’s prowess or simply achieve physical relief of sexual tension, only confirms that one’s ability to engage in intercourse is intact. The fact is that multiple partners create mistrust, performance anxiety, and mental comparison evaluations that always act as barriers to the deepest levels of intimacy. Although possibly providing some brief physical pleasure, it always fails to meet the deeper human need for intimacy that sex was designed by God to provide.
A married couple in a life-long committed relationship enters into more and more secure and trusting territory with each and every sexual encounter. In that context sex can truly become “making love,” which is absolutely the BEST SEX EVER, rather than just having sex.
Sexually, men imprint on their experiences. If a man’s first sexual experience is masturbatory and influenced by pornography, he will likely imprint on those experiences for years to come. If his first experience is in the back seat of his parent’s Oldsmobile with a cheerleader he barely knows, he will imprint on that experience. However, if his first encounter occurs within the boundaries of genuine marriage with his wife, he imprints mainly on his WIFE.
In the case of multiple sex partners, studies have repeatedly shown that women release less and less oxytocin with each new sexual encounter. Oxytocin is called the “bonding” hormone. In the case of casual sex with multiple partners, there is, ultimately, an inability to bond at any kind of emotional level. Conversely, a married woman bonds more and more deeply with her mate each time her husband brings her to sexual fulfillment.
Did you know that the divorce rate among married couples who were virgins when they wed is statistically zero? Did you know that, in the USA, the divorce rate among every other group is greater than 61%?
Statistics rarely tell the entire story; however, they can tell part of the story. Did you know that 50% of married women and 66% of married men in the U.S. commit adultery. Realistically, these statistics combine to indicate that approximately 83% — five out of six — marriages involve at least one adulterous partner.
Divorces per 1,000 marriages in 1969 were only 140. In 1996 they were 451 which represents an increase of 222% since 1969.
The number of divorcees more than quadrupled, from 4.3 million in 1970 to 18.3 million in 1996.
After 1996, the divorce rate leveled off congruent with the decline in couples actually getting married. Cohabitation increased by close to 1,000% between 1960 and 1998.
In 1940, 3.8% of infants were born to unmarried women. In 2002, 33% of infants were born to unmarried women. The rate varies from 89% for unmarried teenagers ages 15 to 19 to 12% for unmarried women ages 30 to 44.
In “Women’s Studies” courses in college, young women are routinely taught that marriage has an adverse effect on women’s overall health when the exact opposite is true.
According to data compiled by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, research shows that a healthy state of holy matrimony results in many benefits for women, compared to unmarried women, or women in unhealthy marriages, including but not limited to the following: Married women…
… experience more satisfying relationship with their husbands (opposed to boyfriend or other partner)
… have a much more satisfying sexual relationship than unmarried women
… have much better relationships with their children
… experience more satisfying relationships with nonfamily members
… are emotionally healthier
… are physically healthier
… are wealthier overall
… are less likely to remain or end up in poverty
… are less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
… have a decreased risk of drug and alcohol abuse
… are less likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases
… are less likely to attempt or commit suicide
Detailed studies have further revealed that healthy marriage leads to qualifiable and quantifiable benefits for men, children, and communities as well. Notably, married men live longer and have much more satisfying sexual relationships with their wives than unmarried men do at any time with anyone.
Bottom line: every impartial study ever performed has revealed that married men and women enjoy better and more satisfying sex lives than unmarried men and women do.
“But what’s wrong with premarital sex?” Well, lots of things. First of all, extramarital sex never results in the BEST SEX EVER. For me, that is reason enough NOT to settle for anything less. Is there some reason you should settle? Do you purchase second best fruit given a choice?
Secondly, I’ll stick with the fruit metaphor, would you think it was wrong of me to go pick a pear up at the grocery store, take a bite to ensure I am going to like it, then maybe not commit and toss it back into the bin before choosing another pear? Maybe a nibble of that one then toss it back, too? Then another? Maybe I bite a bunch of them before deciding on the one I want to actually purchase (commit to). Does that seem like a reasonable or rational activity in which to engage?
I realize that nearly every media outlet portrays the myth that extramarital sex is exciting, awesome, “the earth moved” kind of sex. Conversely, nearly every media outlet portrays that married couples rarely even have sex, and when or if they do that it nearly always stinks. This is simply fantasy. The exact opposite is true.
The truth is that married couples who commit to each other, romance each other, keep pure in their intentions toward each other, take time and talk through their goals — those married couples privately enjoy the BEST SEX EVER.
Hallee
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Great post Hallee. I’m partictually interested in finding the scource for the claim that;
“Did you know that the divorce rate among married couples who were virgins when they wed is statistically zero? Did you know that, in the USA, the divorce rate among every other group is greater than 61%?”
Anyway you can find that?
We had several sources. Gregg and I worked on this together when he was home. Most of the data is on his machine, and he’s in Kabul. If you watched the news this morning, you’ll know that Kabul was a pretty busy place a few hours ago, so don’t count on him to be able to give you sources today.
I do know that one of the resources from the National Longitudinal Study of Youth from 1979-2000. They studied more than 7000 men and women at age 18 then again at 38. Individuals who were abstinent from sex before marriage had half the divorce rates, and those who were not only abstinent but were actually virgins before marriage had a divorce rate of three times lower than that.
That’s all I have on my machine. I’ll get the rest for you the next time I have more than a quickie “I”m fine don’t worry” phone call from my husband.
Hallee
Thanks Hallee. It’s just such an important point that I want to see the scource.
If I may ask, I would be very interested in any study that shows that the divorce rate among couples who marry as virgins is greater than a statistical zero. I also believe this subject is too important to leave out any citation or information, to include any refutations.
The original source for the statistical zero among virgins who marry was Mark Gungor as quoted in his marriage seminar, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, DVD number 5. “Did you know that the divorce rate among couples who marry as virgins is statistically zero?”
http://www.laughyourway.com/
I found a reference to the scenario he descried on his blog: http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/the-damage-of-sexual-promiscuity/
——–
…consider scenario B:
A man falls in love with a woman and asks her to marry him. His friends approve, his family approves, his co-workers approve. They all join in a concerted effort to make the event a success – planning, showers, and parties. They all come together in one gigantic effort to celebrate their approval of what he has chosen. They now gather in the presence of God, under the approval of his minister. They commit themselves before God and are then off for what will arguably be the biggest party of his life.
Then, with the joyous approval of every person important in his life, he takes his bride to their honeymoon suite and for the first time in his life – without the rush or fear of a back-seat encounter – he experiences the most wonderful sensation of his life as he enters his bride’s body and reaches his sexual peak.
He now ties EVERYTHING I just mentioned to that one girl – all the approval of his family, friends and coworkers, the church, the celebration, and most importantly, the incredible sensation he has just felt. All these elements join together and he IMPRINTS on the girl, for it is because of her and only her that he has just experienced the most wonderful day of his life.
Many would argue that this wedding day scenario would have the same effect with a guy who had already been having sex, but they would be wrong. NOTHING impacts a man like his first sexual experience [emphasis mine].
If a man has his first sex outside of marriage, what he imprints on is the SEX – indeed, it becomes as if any woman willing to have sex with him would suffice. Many of these men later turn to illicit affairs or porn, fantasies and masturbation in a pathetic attempt to re-visit the experience to which they have forever imprinted upon. Women who marry such men can sense this and try desperately to get their man to focus solely on them. Sadly, it is a battle that most will lose. On the other hand, when a man has his first sexual experience in the context of marriage, he imprints on the GIRL, for she is the sole reason for his incredible experiences. Indeed, these men tend to marry once for life [emphasis mine].
—-
Gungor’s conclusion here supports the statistical zero for a divorce rate which he verbalized in his seminar. I didn’t question it since I have no reason to doubt it, especially after all the research I have done that proves it true.
However, in about five minutes, I was able to do my own math that rather starkly supports the statistic based on reasonable mathematical assumptions. Assuming these numbers are fairly accurate — and I have no cause to seriously doubt them since I have no agenda — the math is pretty straight forward.
As you know, statistics are tricky things. The divorce rate of the general population in the United States for the 12 months preceding February 2008 was 3.6 percent per thousand. This is a decline in the national average of 4.2 percent in 1999. Both statistics are based on data collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. On its face, this represents a decline of 0.6 percent in the divorce rate in a 10 year period. However, neither statistic takes into account cohabitation or annulment thus quantifying only marriages that ended in divorce. Qualifying couples who engage in cohabitation then separation along with the decline in marriages skews these statistics dramatically.
So here are my parameters. Use published and, as much as possible, non biased numbers. Use a fair demarcation. Make valid assumptions. Therefore, my denominator to arrive at a statistical zero is “less than one half of one percent equals statistical zero.” So, rounding up/down from a 0.04% demarcation.
1. We are not adherents to the political agenda purported by SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States) as their agenda runs counter to common sense. SIECUS is an organization whose primary purpose is to eliminate abstinence based sex education which I personally think is idiotic because abstinence based sex education has been shown to be the most effective kind. Still, even SIECUS own admittedly biased studies show that 20% of American women are virgins when they first marry, although I suspect that among Christians, this percentage may be slightly to significantly higher. nevertheless, I have no reason to doubt their number even considering the source, so I will call it a non-biased number. http://www.siecus.org/pubs/fact/fact0001.html
2. We are not Baptist as our tolerance for dancing should clearly reflect. However, Dr. Tom Ellis, chairman of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Council on the Family stated that Christian couples who marry in the [Baptist] church after having received premarital counseling and who attend church regularly and pray together daily experience only 1 divorce out of approximately 39,000 marriages. Even though I am not SBC, I can reasobably assume this is a non-biased number. I have no reason to doubt the number.
3. We are not LDS as our love of coffee should clearly reflect. However, latter Day Saint studies cite divorce rates of 5.4% to 6% based on data collected since 1830. Sources: Daniel K. Judd in Religion, Mental Health and the Latter-day Saints. William Lobdell, Holy Matrimony: In an Era of Divorce Mormon Temple Weddings are Built to Last in Los Angeles Times, 8 April 2000; Dave Condren, New Temple Marks Origin of Mormons in Buffalo News, 27 March 2000. Statistically, this is less than 1 divorce per 54,000 marriages and represents the lowest divorce rate among all U.S. social and religious groups. Even though I am not LDS, I feel I can reasobably assume this is a non-biased number. I have no reason to doubt it.
Therefore, using these parameters for my calculated basis, I come to the following conclusions. Statistically, 1 divorce out of 39,000 marriages is 0.00256 percent and 1 divorce out of 54,000 marriages is 0.00185 percent. Already, these are statistically well below zero.
Factor in that of those divorces, 20% of the women involved, 1 in 5, were virgins when they first married. That reduces the sampled pool and the result in each category to 0.00051 percent and 0.00037 percent. Assuming that only 1 in 5 of the men who married THOSE virgin women were also virgins (4% of the main sample and 20% of the smaller sample) and the divorce rate drops to 0.000102 percent and 0.000074 percent.
Again, I believe it is highly likely that MORE than 20% of Christian women and MORE than 4% of Christian men who marry are virgins when they wed, which would push the percentages out MUCH further, in fact to the point that doing the math becomes even more ridiculous.
And again, I would be very interested in any study that shows that the divorce rate among couples who marry as virgins is greater than a statistical zero.
In researching this series, Hallee and I encountered reams of evidence that further support this statistic.
Dr. John Diggs and Dr. Eric Keroack, “People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual.” Permanent implying never separating or divorcing since permanent means, well, permanent. http://www.abstinence.net/library/index.php?entryid=344
One of the keys to helping us understand permanent bonding was to better understand human sexual physiology.
A good article on the role of oxytocin and vasopression in sexual relationships which is heavily cited and fairly readable can be found at: http://www.physiciansforlife.org/content/view/1492/36/
A new book by Doctors Joe S. McIlhaney (Joe S. Mcllhaney, Jr., M.D., is the president of The Medical Institute for Sexual Health) and Freda McKissic Bush, Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children, qualitatively and quantifiably analyzes more than 60 years of sexual and biological studies in light of recent discoveries using cutting edge three dimensional brain modeling.
Reading Hooked is largely not for laymen, especially in the later chapters, and this book is also not a Christian book or written to accommodate a Christian world view. In this book, permanent bonds are referred to as essentially the default attained by limiting sexual experiences to a single monogamous relationship. In my world, that is wedlock. The book further details how multiple sexual partners derails the default and alters human brain function to include altering the higher judgment centers, particularly in adolescents. (Sample Chapter online) http://www.bookdaily.com/book/288958/freda-mckissic-bush/hooked-new-science-on-how-casual-sex-is-affecting-our-children?addbook=288958
Other sources used for this series:
Every Man’s Battle–Book and Workbook By Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker
The Sexual Man By Dr. Archibald D. Hart
The Secrets of Eve By Dr. Archibald D. Hart, Dr. Catherine Hart Weber and Debra L. Taylor
Intended for Pleasure, Fourth Edition By Ed Wheat, M.D. & Gaye Wheat
Love Life for Every Married Couple By Ed Wheat, M.D.
The Language of Sex: Experiencing the Beauty of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage By Dr. Gary Smalley & Ted Cunningham
The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women: Discover the Secrets of Great Sex in a Godly Marriage By Gary Rosberg, Barbara Rosberg & Ginger Kolbaba
Crazy Good Sex By Dr. Les Parrott
Turn Up the Heat: A Couples’ Guide to Sexual Intimacy By Dr. Kevin Leman
Sheet Music By Dr. Kevin Leman
William G. Axinn and Arland Thornton, “The Relation Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Casual Influence?” Demography 29, 1992, 357-374. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 57.
Is Premarital Sex Worth It? Joe S. Mcllhaney, Jr., M.D., president of The Medical Institute for Sexual Health http://www.marriageromance.com/stories/10802697703.htm
Bumpass and Sweet 1995; Hall and Zhao 1995) As quoted in focus on the Family brochure “Five reasons you need a ‘piece of paper.'”
Kim Camplisson, “Celebrating Christian Marriage,” The Southern Cross, April 26, 2001, 8.
National Survey of Family Growth, Dr. Kahn, Dr. London. As reported at http://www.members.aol.com/cohabiting/soc.htm.
Elizabeth Thompson and Ugo Colella, “Cohabitation and Marital Stability: Quality or Comiitment?” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54, 1992, 263. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 57.
John D. Cunningham and John K. Antill, “Cohabitation and Marriage: Retrospective and Predictive Consequences,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 11, 1994, 90. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 58.
Tanfer, Koray, and Forste, Renata. “Sexual Exclusivity Among Dating, Cohabiting, and Married Women,” Journal of Marriage and Family, February 1996, 33-47. As quoted in Five reasons you need the “Piece of Paper” Focus on the Family, 2000.
Colson, Charles 1995, as quoted in Five reasons you need the “Piece of Paper” Focus on the Family, 2000 .
Lee Robins and Darrell Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study (New York: Free Press, 1991), p. 64. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 66-67.
Hering 1994:4, as quoted in Five reasons you need the “Piece of Paper” Focus on the Family, 2000 .
William Mattox, Jr, “Could This be True Love? Test it with Courtship, not Cohabitation,” USA Today, Arlington; Feb 10, 2000.
Elizabeth Thompson and Ugo Colella, 1992, p. 266. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 57.
“The Benefits of Chastity Before Marriage.” 17 March 2004.
http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/benefitsofchastity.aspx
“Benefits of Abstinence.” 17 March 2004. http://www.worldwidegroovecorp.com/abstinence/
Benoit, Marilyn B., M.D. “The Role of Psychological Factors.” 17 March 2004.www.welfareacademy.org/conf/papers/psych.cfm
The Children’s Defense Fund. The State of America’s Children Yearbook. (1994) 17 March 2004. http://www.family.org/
Emory University Department of Gynecology and Obstetrics. “Abstinence.” 16 March 2004. http://www.emory.edu/WHSC/MED/FAMPLAN/abstinence.html
Hanna, Nancy. “Ten Reasons Why Sex Should Wait Until Marriage.” 28 March 2004. http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html
Hooten, Jeff. “The New Virgins.” 16 March 2004.
http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/
Hornor Noel. “Sex Outside of Marriage: What’s the Big Deal?” 17 March 2004.
http://www.ucg.org/gn/gn41/deal.html
Jordahl, Steve. “Physicians Rallying to Abstinence Message.” 18 March 2004: 1. Sexual Purity 8 October 2002. http://www.premaritalsex.info/abstinence_msg.htm
“Life is Sacred.” 16 March 2004.
http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/
Mcllhanney Joe S. Jr., M.D. “Media Advisories.” 16 March 2004.
http://www.medinstitute.org/media/index.htm
Mcllhaney, Joe S., Jr. M.D. “Testimony of Joe S. Mcllhaney, Jr., M.D.” 16 March 2004: 3-8. 23 April 2002. http://www.medinstitute.org/media/testimony.htm
The Medical Institute for Sexual Health. “Sexually Transmitted Diseases.” 16 March 2004.www.medinstitute.org/medical/index.htm
Morse, Anne. “The Best Sex.” 16 March 2004.
http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/
“The Pill – Oral Contraceptives.” 19 March 2004. http://www.fwhc.org/birthcontrol/thepill.htm
“Psychological Reasons Not to Live Together.” 17 March 2004.
http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-psycho.html
“Question and Answer.” 16 March 2004.
http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/
“Sex Before Marriage.” 16 March 2004.
http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/
Whitmore, Cassidy. “What is Sex Worth?” 16 March 2004.
http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/
“Why Should I Save Sex for Marriage?” 17 March 2004.
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-sum/sum-f001.html
Hope this helps.
Just wanted to say that i thoroughly enjoyed your posts about the Best sex ever. So well written and very enjoyable to read, humourus as well. Thank you for so tactfully saying what so many of us have wanted to say! I agree with you on every point and I really appreciate you putting words to it. Really, an excellent post! I am impressed! Will read more, as this is my first time on your site!
Karen
Thanks for writing these! I really enjoyed reading them as it is a subject not discussed so openly very often.