The 5 Best Kept Christian Secrets to the Best Sex Ever: Part 3
Caution: This post consists of a rather frank and forthright discussion of human sexuality in the context of marital intimacy.
The number three important third of five best kept Christian sex secret to the BEST SEX EVER is…
…is romance. Romance in the classical sense of tokens and gifts, kind words of affirmation, little acts of service, quality time spent together, and tender touch. Romance as described by Gary Chapman’s the Five Love Languages. Romance as defined by the things that allow us to abide in each other continuously each and every day.
Romance! What is romance? Romance is something personal and thoughtful that your spouse finds romantic. What it isn’t is what the sexperts tell you to do in almost every single case.
Pornography and the post-modern culture have all but eliminated romance from the modern mindset. The “sexperts” write ponderous pages and pages of specific advice on how to love yourself, how to find personal gratification, how to achieve gratification quickly or instantly, and all of that advice ignores romance. They say things like, “When you masturbate, try fantasizing about your spouse.” (Sex Advice from Ian Kerner for Cosmopolitan Magazine)
This is among the worst advice I have ever read and, in my very sincere opinion, the sexperts need to get a clue.
Let me just make one side note. There are people in situations where they are geographically separated from their husband or wife for extended periods of time, along the lines of months or years. Believe me, I am very familiar with that scenario. I am NOT talking to you or about you. I am talking to the folks who sleep under the same roof with their living, breathing, flesh and blood spouse each and every night.
Without saying something pithy along the lines of “DUH!” the very obvious fact is that if you are masturbating, you are not having the BEST SEX EVER. If you are fantasizing, you are NOT having the BEST SEX EVER. I assure you that if you romance your spouse, you will not have any need to either a) masturbate or b) fantasize. You can experience the real thing.
“[Whether] you’re talking X-rated videos or anal sex or spankings or a rest-room quickie…” advises Pamela Lister, contributor to Redbook magazine and, I fear, total airhead, “Exchanging sexual fantasies … fantasies about with whom, with what, where and when … can be a great way to spice up your sex play.”
No, Pam. It isn’t a great way to spice up your sex play. It is a great way to objectify the sex act into a simple biological function somewhere between a yawn and a belch or, you know, something you need to do in a rest-room. It isn’t a way to glorify sex or each other through sex. If you have to bring other people into your bedroom such as in the case of pornography, you are not going to have the BEST SEX EVER, Pamela. Does any of this advice strike anyone as especially romantic? Does it seem conducive to the BEST SEX EVER?
“Many women are turned on by the idea of playing the role of a prostitute. Set up a scenario in which she arrives at your door and you negotiate a fee and a program of sexual activities for the night. Guys agree that it’s a big turn-on because they know they’ll get their money’s worth,” says Ava Cadell, Ph.D, self-proclaimed “sex researcher,” and a woman who has obviously seen Pretty Woman way too many times.
Nothing says romance like being treated like a hooker, right? Objectifying, placing a market value upon, and selling your genitalia? Why, that sounds more romantic than a bundle of roses and a box of chocolates.
“Women often want to be restrained, which is also scary for them…” says Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., another sexpert.
Oh, Beverly. You have definitely gone to the heart of romance. Honestly, who doesn’t think that being tied up and feeling terrified is completely romantic? Come on. Raise your hands.
Yet another way our culture has undermined real romance is by elevating pornographers to the status of “sex experts” and then actually heeding their advice. And their advice is so valid. Take a gander.
“Women often fantasize about a forced sexual encounter,” says Candida Royalle, president of the pornography company Femme Productions. “…showing her who’s boss can relieve her of responsibility and some of the guilt women associate with sex.”
Yes, Candida. Women love to be raped. I think you’re definitely onto something. And being forced to have sex — can anyone think of a more romantic encounter? Anyone? Here is a clue about why you might personally feel some guilt over having sex, Candida. You’re a PORN STAR!
This type of logic, of letting the fox guard the hen house, is sort of like assigning a pederast to baby-sit your kids, because, after all pedophiles are very familiar with small children and engage with children on a daily basis. Where to find common sense? Where?
Bottom line: NONE of that junk the supposed experts in our society spew is romantic — at all!
My advice is pretty simple. Just apply common sense.
Our culture seems to have systematically wiped romance out of the public conscience where it applies to sex. It’s all about pornography, or kinky this and that, and there is not even a nod to the real ingredient to the BEST SEX EVER which is simple romance. In every heart, there is a need to romance and to be romanced.
While our culture tells us to get ours and love ourselves and masturbate and fantasize and consume lots of pornographic imagery, the truth is that sex is about a joining of two hearts. It is not about a lone effort taken on by an individual. It is about a man and a woman becoming one flesh. (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5-6; Mark 10:8; Ephesians 5:31) Romance is a very big part of that. While our pornographic culture advocates instant momentary personal gratification, romance advocates patient and enduring love.
The media portrays men as violent, incompetent, egotistical sex maniacs. Androgyny on that scale is instantly harmful to men because it is so very disrespectful to them. The truth is that good men want to be knights in shining armor. Men dream of being heroes, protectors, loyal husbands, loving fathers, high priests and spiritual leaders of our homes, and they deeply need to feel respected.
The media portrays women as spiteful, manipulative, duplicitous, and often as just plain sluts. The truth is that good women want to be treated as honored women, treasured ladies, loving mothers, loyal wives, and priestesses. And women long to be trusted partners, helpmates, comforters, who are cherished, adored, and loved.
Romance is meaningful physical touching. Romance is the little shoulder rub, or foot rub, or even the tender touch on the cheek or quick kiss.
Romance is giving meaningful gifts like leaving little love notes in your spouse’s coat pockets, under pillows, on bathroom mirrors. Romance is sending post cards that share secret code words that just the two of you understand. Guys, how about bringing home cut flowers just because? Gals, if you are crafty, how about crafting something just for him?
Romance is performing little acts of service for your spouse and offering recognition. Romance is telling her how incredible and satisfying that meal was or telling him how grateful you are that he changed the oil. Feeling bold? Ask him to let you shave his face. Ask her to let you give her a manicure.
Romance is quality time spent together. Romance is asking what is on her mind or how his day went. Romance is reading the same book and sharing impressions and thoughts. Romance is praying together and worshiping together. How about planning a picnic?
Romance is offering words of affirmation. How about calling in the middle of the day just to tell your spouse how much you like his or her eyes/smile/laugh/hair or whatever? Romance is telling your spouse just how amazing looking you think he or she is in very clear words. Romance is telling your spouse how much she is loved, how much he is respected, how much she is adored, how much he is appreciated.
Romance is laughter, laughter, laughter. Romance is being the full focus and center of your spouse’s attention. You make the extra effort for your husband and he knows the effort was made specifically and thoughtfully for him. Your husband makes an extra effort for you and you know the effort was made specifically and thoughtfully for you.
I guarantee you that if you romance your spouse, and abide in your spouse romantically, you will not “spice up your sex play.” Instead, you will add real meat to the broth that will enable you to have the BEST SEX EVER.
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