The 5 Best Kept Christian Secrets to the Best Sex Ever: Part 2
Caution: This post consists of a rather frank and forthright discussion of human sexuality in the context of marital intimacy.
The number two important second of five best kept Christian sex secrets to the BEST SEX EVER is …
Privacy
… is to secure privacy. Privacy. Just the two of you, alone as a couple, without telephones, cell phones, e-mail, instant messages, text messages, listening to talk radio, watching television, or someone knocking at the door kind of privacy. Behind a well locked door with the shades or curtains pulled — privacy.
Biblically, Solomon sings of meeting his wife in the “secret” places. (Song of Solomon 2:14)
Yet again, this sex secret to the BEST SEX EVER would seem obvious — common sense — when considered for even a few moments, but some of those “sexperts” still haven’t figured it out.
In urging couples to have sex in public, Gabrielle Morrissey, Ph.D., a “sexpert” and the author of Urge, writes, “The romantic thrill of possibly being caught increases all the processes that the body experiences … sensations are heightened.” Yeah. Nothing so romantic as the heightened sensation of a citation or a night in jail for public indecency, doc.
Lorelei Sharkey, one half of the sex-advice duo Em & Lo, urges her readers to have sex on a public beach saying, “Beaches connote both sex and romance.” And beer bottles and chicken bones and sharp shells and sand in your crevices and — oh yeah — crowds of strangers and their children in the near proximity. Yes. That is romance at its best.
“Hot tubs are social spaces,” claims Carol Queen, Ph.D., author of Exhibitionism for the Shy . And really, what could be more romantic, Carol, than leaving your DNA behind for the next hot tub occupants?
Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., author of Sex Talk, advises us to get behind a boulder at a rock quarry. No, really. He actually wrote that. Because everyone knows how comfortable rocks are. One can really relax on a bed of gravel and workmen a few yards away yielding jackhammers and explosives.
With advice like this from the “sexperts,” is it any wonder people are generally confused about sex? Is it really a huge mystery that so many people never experience the BEST SEX EVER? And if you follow the advice of the “sexperts” and feel a huge let down, are you really — I mean honestly — confused about why you feel so disappointed? Without being overly dramatic and saying something pithy like “DUH!” — the fact is that no human being can have the BEST SEX EVER without having some privacy. It is just common sense.
In the Song of Solomon, the queen proclaims how the king has called her into his chambers where she can rejoice in his love which is finer than wine, in private. (Song of Solomon 1:4)
Privacy allows us the opportunity to relax and put AWAY the distractions of the world. When we have no other distractions, we can focus entirely on our spouse. We can abide in our spouse. Privacy eliminates the distractions and the worry of “possibly being caught” and replaces it with the ability to relax and abide. Relaxing when having sex is one key to total sexual spiritual and emotional fulfillment.
The “thrill” of exhibitionism is a genuine thrill. However, it is a thrill of excitement brought on by short lived adrenaline and high anxiety. This is the opposite of the long term endorphins and enduring contentment which is the objective of the BEST SEX EVER. Exhibitionism stresses human beings physically and emotionally. The BEST SEX EVER relieves stress. Exhibitionism is ultimately selfish. The adrenaline rush we feel is individual and private, and your spouse need not be present to get exactly the same “thrill” by participating in solitary public exhibitionism. Privacy builds intimacy, trust, and a spiritual and emotional bond with your spouse.
Men. Your wife is going to find it impossible to relax and abide in you sexually if there is company in the next room waiting for her to bring in the drinks and the appetizer tray. Women. Your husband is going to find it nearly impossible to relax and enjoy you if his boss is in the next cubicle waiting for the morning’s TPS report with cover sheet affixed.
Neither of you are going to be able to relax and abide in each other with total strangers walking by a scant few feet away as in the scenarios suggested by the “sexperts.” The rush of the thrill provided by activity in any of these situations is certainly real, but not really sexual. Since it is separate from sex, it amounts to a distraction and a detraction, keeping you from having the BEST SEX EVER.
For men, distractions, stress, worry, and anxiety ultimately add up to poor performance. Due to performance anxiety, things can go quickly (which, in case you didn’t know it, is a bad thing) or not at all, and either is not conducive to the BEST SEX EVER. For women, sexual experiences are nearly always based on emotion. Privacy allows for safety, security, and an ability to relax. These things equal respect. Distractions, stress, worry, anxiety, and a suspicion of being disrespected or objectified almost never culminate in a good sexual experience, and certainly never result in the BEST SEX EVER.
It isn’t always easy to find privacy, especially for young married couples with children. However, it is possible with a little bit of planning and determination.
If your bedroom door doesn’t have a lock, go to the hardware store, buy a new doorknob that locks, install it, and use the lock. Do that right now. No, really. Stop reading and go do it.
Carve out some time alone with your spouse on a regular basis and make it a priority. Schedule alone time, and firmly enforce it.
Possibly call on friends, grandparents, trusted neighbors, or hire a baby-sitter once or twice a month. Drop the kids off and rush home for an hour or so.
Have a “date night” with just the two of you. I would not suggest going to a movie since that will not afford you the opportunity to talk or even to look at each other in the darkened theater. Movies provide escape and distraction. You are looking for reality and concentration. Instead, go to a quiet restaurant with decent lighting, or enjoy a picnic. Take a walk holding hands and chatting. Just spend time abiding in each other. Maybe talk about how tonight, you want to find some privacy and have the BEST SEX EVER.
Hallee
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My hubby and I try very hard to get a date night at least once a month. No kids, just us. It is not only refreshing, but it’s very nice to get the time alone. He likes doing jacuzzi hotel rooms, when we have the money. (Which isn’t often but he tries to make sure we do that once a year. It is so worth it.)
We read in some Christian marriage book that date nights should be a priority once a week. With three kids, that would take such juggling, but when Gregg is home we TRY to do it at least every-other week. We never thought it was important before, but once we started doing it, we realized just how vital it was.
im slowly able to schedule date night now that im better with my inlaws…but so far we haven’t had one. my dh’s schedule is nuts and during the week it just doesn’t happen…
My husband and I do a date night almost every Sunday night. It is only 45-1 hr alone together, but I can witness us both phsyically relax and begin to reconnect within 10 minutes of sitting down at the dinner table kid-free. It is truely necessary for us to remain “husband and wife” above and beyond “mom and dad.”
Sara – that is so awesome. I hope when Gregg is home permanently we can get into a rhythm with it.
Scott and I have NEVER had a date night. We have been living together with children for 10 years. I think sometime in the near future we are going to have to try that.